I lost something valuable in the wards within last week.
When I let the information slip to my MOs, they went to the ward sister about it (I didn't want to say anything to avoid exactly that).
When the ward sister was about to reprimand me for leaving my valuables somewhere unsafe, they immediately defended me and asked instead why she wouldn't provide lockers for HOs in the ward.
And proper rooms for our on-calls.
And other things but I left because I felt awkward for indirectly demanding stuff.
Point 1: I am not blaming the Sisters for it; it was my fault. Also, I don't mind napping on the floor. It's not like I ever slept more than 3 hours straight in that ward.
Point 2: My MOs (like 99% of them) are amazing.
Yesterday someone told me my valuable has been found. I'm not sure if it's really mine, but the brand is the same so I'm 99% sure it is. I am so excited.
99%.
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I try to control my words, but I can't really control my facial expressions. I try hard, I think, but I haven't mastered control over my face when I'm exhausted and/or stressed.
This is called moodiness and it really intrudes into professionalism.
Actively trying to combat it. It's easy to talk about now, but when I'm tired it's another thing entirely. And let's face it, one gets tired a lot in this line of work and people often get irritating, too.
So. Let's see if this will be less of a problem a few months down the line.
Maybe years. But I'm trying to be optimistic.
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It's weird being the person taggers look for to do procedures or ask about things when the're unsure, but that's part of being a senior- even if you're only a first poster and the other person's in his/her third or fourth.
I am glad to say I was of some service. Heheh.
The SNs start to look for me instead of my senior too, now. And so do my MOs.
I am beginning to be trusted to attend calls alone.
It scares me, the prospect, but I know of many friends who have been attending calls alone for weeks by now- ever since they went off-tag, actually. I've just been privileged enough to attend calls with other people so far.
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I feel... I feel like I'm still sub-par. There are questions my consultant asks me that I cannot answer and, in retrospect, were super easy. Ones I can answer are simple and I still sound doubtful that even my consultant notes that doubt in my tone, with amusement. My consultant isn't mean, in fact she's amazingly encouraging despite her strict work ethics, but I respect her so much that she intimidates me.
And this is stupid, guys.
Do not be intimidated excessively by anyone, especially if that person isn't even mean. It just blocks your thinking process with self-doubts and imagery of unnecessary repercussions. Take it from me.
It's okay to make mistakes. It's okay to not know stuff- sometimes.You're only human.
But make sure you know things you're supposed to know, and do not repeat those mistakes.
Do not care too much what others think about you- it's half the reason why you're so scared of getting scolded, maybe even more.
But I know, I know: It's easier said than done.
Like I said, sometimes I ask my seniors to tell me where I fall short, toughen my heart for the criticism, and take it into stride for future improvement. I care too much; some just adopt a more easy attitude and let things slide while still improving, which is amazing but realistically something I cannot relate to.
So I see some improvement in my work. I better; it's almost been half the posting already.
But there are still multitudes of things I have to improve upon.
Reminder to self on this almost halfway-mark to EOP:
Focus on your good traits. Do not focus on your feelings when making mistakes, rather focus on how you could improve yourself once those mistakes or shortcomings are identified. Do not dwell on what others may think of you, positive or especially negative. Do your job, and improve, for yourself and for an increasingly better service towards mankind.
Intentions must be kept noble, at least at heart. It's okay to be selfish in times of most stress, though- you're only human. But remember the ultimate goal of why you joined this field instead of taking, say, Geology or English Lit.
Your father invested a lot of money and effort into you.
Don't let it go to waste.
Make your family, friends, and teachers proud.
But don't focus on that pride because it will destroy you with a persistently-inflated ego.
Intentions, intentions: Keep them pure. Keep them noble.
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