It was an eventful on-call period.
Almost twice the actual capacity of the ward.
Calls every other hour.
Malfunctioning equipment.
Weirder cases than most days.
What even.
It doesn't help that humans are humans, and some are more snarky than others and make it a point to call you out on your shortcomings- like they're the only ones who are swamped with work. All they care about is getting their work done on time.
Luckily I had a nice colleague and an understanding and super helpful MO for that call.
I had a mortality case that involved me.
It involved me days before the mortality happened, and it hit me hard, being one of the first people to see that patient when he/she was stable. Even though my management was sound and the patient remained stable for many days afterwards- even if the patient didn't deteriorate while I was directly in charge of his/her care. My mind was full of 'What if's for at least a couple of days afterwards.
It took me a while, and several different people of different ranks, for me to get over it. To stop mainly blaming myself.
"Mainly"- because a small part of me, inevitably, can't help but feel responsible no matter what people say.
It pains me to know that the caretaker of that patient lied to my face about one of the patient's symptoms- at least one of the symptoms. And though for that caretaker the lie seemed small, for us it is significant. It could have meant a different investigation; a totally new approach.
It could have meant saving the patient's life.
But what's done is done.
The patient is gone. To a better place.
And I'm still here, forever remembering my first mortality.
But dwelling on "What if"s wouldn't help anyone most of the time- least of all myself.
It hasn't been the best of weeks, so here's to hoping tomorrow will be a better day.
Even though I'm so tempted to just collapse from all the work I had to do despite the hours of sleep I had since my post-call; So tempted to take a leave to avoid having a day like the last on-call I had... But like I have told myself again and again, there's no telling what tomorrow will bring. Perhaps more days like the one I've had; but perhaps it will be one of those great days which are mainly uneventful and just filled with great people and enough time to sleep instead of 30+ hours of staying awake, zombified.
Until I experience the day I do not know.
So hope for the best and expect the worse. That is how this life will always be.
Almost twice the actual capacity of the ward.
Calls every other hour.
Malfunctioning equipment.
Weirder cases than most days.
What even.
It doesn't help that humans are humans, and some are more snarky than others and make it a point to call you out on your shortcomings- like they're the only ones who are swamped with work. All they care about is getting their work done on time.
Luckily I had a nice colleague and an understanding and super helpful MO for that call.
I had a mortality case that involved me.
It involved me days before the mortality happened, and it hit me hard, being one of the first people to see that patient when he/she was stable. Even though my management was sound and the patient remained stable for many days afterwards- even if the patient didn't deteriorate while I was directly in charge of his/her care. My mind was full of 'What if's for at least a couple of days afterwards.
It took me a while, and several different people of different ranks, for me to get over it. To stop mainly blaming myself.
"Mainly"- because a small part of me, inevitably, can't help but feel responsible no matter what people say.
It pains me to know that the caretaker of that patient lied to my face about one of the patient's symptoms- at least one of the symptoms. And though for that caretaker the lie seemed small, for us it is significant. It could have meant a different investigation; a totally new approach.
It could have meant saving the patient's life.
But what's done is done.
The patient is gone. To a better place.
And I'm still here, forever remembering my first mortality.
But dwelling on "What if"s wouldn't help anyone most of the time- least of all myself.
It hasn't been the best of weeks, so here's to hoping tomorrow will be a better day.
Even though I'm so tempted to just collapse from all the work I had to do despite the hours of sleep I had since my post-call; So tempted to take a leave to avoid having a day like the last on-call I had... But like I have told myself again and again, there's no telling what tomorrow will bring. Perhaps more days like the one I've had; but perhaps it will be one of those great days which are mainly uneventful and just filled with great people and enough time to sleep instead of 30+ hours of staying awake, zombified.
Until I experience the day I do not know.
So hope for the best and expect the worse. That is how this life will always be.
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