Saturday 31 December 2016

New Year's Eve~

So much has happened this past year.

I got a job and subsequently felt the advantages of working life- buying myself shiny things, being able to give my parents money and treat my family to meals for a change, and learned how to sort myself out better.

I'm pretty sure I had something more insightful planned for this post, but my postcall state is preventing optimal recall. So, sleep it is.

Happy new year to all, and may 2017 be better than 2016 for all of us :)

Sunday 27 November 2016

Counting Work aka Berkira Kerja

No lah I'm not going to write about some vague friend here.

I'm writing about myself.

I have caught myself, time and again, 'counting work' - literal translation from the Malay saying berkira kerja. Or berkira tulang urat- counting bones & veins. Hey, that may be more relevant now.

I entered the posting with several other people.
And I found myself to be the pioneer among them.

First to get more patients to review.
First to get more acute patients.
First to present cases in the morning passover.
First to... well you get the drift.

I started bemoaning my tragic life:
Why am I the chosen one? Why do I have more patients to review than them, they are also taggers? Why do I have to go into the OT with the known malignant MO EACH time he covers EM OT? Why do I have to present two times in a row? Why me, why me, why me?

You see, hearing about this likely made you a little (or a lot) uneasy around me.
But that's the reality- I am far from perfect.
I forget so often that nowadays I have much less patients to review and the workload is so much more manageable. Although there are definitely other added stressors in this posting, I can definitely say this is a posting with minimal workload compared to my two previous postings.

I easily forget that I still have a stable job and am able to live on my own, rather comfortably, while others may be suffering from unemployment, and also countless other real tragedies.

How selfish of me to bemoan a difficult relative, or the fact that yet another patient got into an accident, and yet many others still have to be referred to my department due to whatever reason, even if they were direct results of their own mistakes.

...

I wanted this job.

No one put a gun on my temple and threatened to pull the trigger unless I took up this vocation.
I recall multiple attempts to persuade other people that I am worthy of this course. Letters, essays, interviews...

Oh God.
Why am I so weak when tested?

Yes, I am human, but I am capable of much more than this.
My lips are too fast, my temper too easily roused.

Sometimes in my head I think "Why must this patient be assigned to me? Such a difficult patient, to present to such a difficult boss..."
And almost in that same second, I rescind my thoughts. Forgive me, my patient. Forgive me, God. Forgive me, my past teachers and lecturers and colleagues- my selfishness has overstepped boundaries! Even if I don't vocalize most of my thoughts, their toxic energy permeates my psyche and results in actions that are less than pleasant. At its simplest, a distasteful expression. At its most complex, hurtful words.

It's so easy to snap at a colleague when I can feel the boss getting mad at me over the phone- "Get me the BHT for Bed 01 STAT" I would say- nay, snap- to the newer poster who was a little overwhelmed and could not answer my question.
I catch myself almost immediately and try to smile and lighten my tone, thinking that no matter how I act if my boss is already mad, his temper is hardly going to improve... But by then the damage has been done.

So easily do we hurt others while we try to proclaim that we care, that we're in this profession for noble intentions.
While we try to act our best and smile to our patients, do we extend the same gesture to our colleagues; our supporting staff; our bosses? Never mind that they're not doing the same to us.

I'm not even at my counting work topic yet, not fully.

...

"Eh AA look lah, why must I do this twice? BB hasn't even done it once! And look I got a difficult topic some more! Why is this distribution so unfair?"

Never mind that BB is a first poster who takes more time to learn the ropes compared to his fellow batchmate, CC. CC is more proactive and learns quickly, volunteering to do work where BB prefers to hide in the shadows. But do I understand BB's motives? Do I help him more than I talk about him?

Sadly, no.

A new case comes in.
I just did a procedure, and prior to that I already clerked the last case that came in.
I looked at BB, whose gaze shifted around uneasily.
"You go clerk that new case," I said. More a command than a request.
He needed the experience anyway, I reasoned to myself.

My senior already left to do an emergency operation- 'No doubt to avoid the wardwork and just chill with a rather cool MO', I thought bitterly. This senior also gave me OT time with a more malignant MO, repeatedly, while he/she goes into OT with cooler MOs without even asking any of us if we wanted more OT experience, being new and all.

Astaghfirullah.
What devious thoughts.
So easily does the mind come to conclusions that are less savoury.

I got up and went to BB.
"Okay tak?" I asked.
He nodded, and went to clerk the patient.
Full of trepidation, no doubt, but rising to the occasion- because his senior told him to. Perhaps he realized that there was no other option.

I could have been nicer.
I could have offered to clerk the case right as I returned from doing the procedure in another ward, and offered for him to stand by and watch- but this wasn't going to help him in the long run.
In conclusion, I could have been nicer. Could have had more noble intentions. But as I commanded him to clerk the case, all I was thinking about was how tired I felt.

And I shouldn't be, because come on, what did I do the entire day?

*slaps self*

This is just one simple example of berkira tulang urat.

It happens to most of us.

Some of us are just more noble, more patient, and thus more pleasant.

...

I've been told in older postings that I was a hardworker.
A good senior.
Sometimes I scoff at those remarks.
I also get snagged by selfishness and impatience.

It's just... I try to make up for it later.

I seek forgiveness from God.
Try to be more patient with those around me.
Try to be more mindful of what I say to people, even if those people agree with my complaints.

If my toxic environment affects me, my toxicity added to the environment will not improve anything in any way.

So,

I have to be more mindful.

Actively try to quash any negative thoughts- no matter how numerous. Counter them with good memories and vibes, with humility. Repeatedly tell myself why I wanted this job so much. That I can, and I will, make a difference in this system. That I will be better than my toxic bosses. That I will not treat my juniors the same.

And for that to happen, I have to start now- with my colleagues, with my patients.
If I could be impatient to a colleague who's my junior only by a few months, what's to say I won't be a malignant MO to my HOs in the future- who are my juniors by years?

If one case makes so much of a workload difference, what's to stop me from being an utter devil when people refer cases to me in the future non-stop, just because it's one of those 'J' days?

I will break the negative cycle within me before I could break the negative cycle outside.
I have to stop thinking about what I want, and more of what I need.

Patience. Resilience.
More (even more!) humility.
Knowledge- no matter how tired I may be, I can always squeeze in some quick facts. ALWAYS.

Because my patients entrusted themselves to me.
Entrusted their most embarrassing histories, body parts, habits, to me.
So I can make them feel better.
So I can heal them.

And more often than not, I spit in their faces by being lazy and impatient.
Assuming stuff about the more difficult ones.
Wishing they never came during my shift, to my hospital.

The nerve of me.

Do I know how difficult I can be if I were the one in their shoes?
I don't.
So why do I judge them so easily?

What is one more presentation, when I can learn from it?
What is one more patient, when I have the opportunity to make more people happy?
What is a kind word, when it can change the mood for an entire day?



Everybody needs to be reminded at some point.
I'm almost halfway there.
Right now is a good time for a reminder.

I'm sorry for disappointing you with this.
Perhaps later, more positive stories! :)


Sunday 13 November 2016

WOOOOO

Just as you thought you had it worst,

Welcome to...
A New Posting! 
*party streamers* *vuvuzela noises*

Where everything is ALWAYS worse the first few days in.

Ahaha.

No seriously I just, I dunno.
I feel stupid.
And humiliated.

Some postings just have a more generous share of, let's just say, vocal bosses.

This posting is one of them.

If I continue to not let their loud comments slide, I'll be beaten by the end of the day. I usually am.

NEED TO SLEEP STILL TAGGING BYE

Wednesday 2 November 2016

The Almost End~

Handed in my logbook.
I'm free! I thought.

Last day pun kena oncall okay.
Also borang hijau mana, borang hijau?
Free lah sangat.


But whatevs.
I'M OFFICIALLY DONE WITH THIS POSTING! WOOHOO!

Next stop: Orthopaedics.
Where my old bestie from Paeds is yayy!

But for now, 15 more hours to last on-call with some difficult people...
Ahem. Not difficult. Just challenging.

Saturday 29 October 2016

HOs Nowadays Only Work 8-Hour Shifts?

Recently, another story of a HO meeting with an accident went viral on Malaysian social media. Reportedly, the unfortunate lady was returning from a 30-hour shift at a tertiary hospital in Klang Valley when- presumably out of lack of sleep- she rammed into the back of a large container truck.

Her car was totaled, but she emerged from it virtually unscathed.

Thank God and the good build of the locally produced car, she's safe.

But that is only the introduction of what I'm going to write about today.


Following the shard article on a facebook page I was following, surprisingly, was a barrage of comments from naysayers-

"There is NO WAY HOs nowadays can work that many hours per shift!"
"With the implementation of the Flexi System, HOs do not work exceeding 8 hours a day. That is a fact."

"Even I did not work that many hours per shift 30 years ago..."
"Is the relative SURE the HO worked for so long? As far as I know HOs do not do oncalls now."



...

I am a current HO and I can say with confidence that quite a lot of us work over 30 hours a day.
And I am one of those people, in this current posting.

It's not because we are so generous and hardworking (though some of us undoubtedly are). By and large, the inhumane hours were imposed upon us.

Guess what, we still function- though barely. And you do not even want to imagine the mistakes that could cost our patients when a person has been awake for over 20 hours and working with almost no rest at all, then STILL expected to work further, until well over 30 hours have passed.

One of my MOs recently was taking a gander at our salary.
She thought we were getting at least 1k more than what we are actually getting.
I had a good laugh at that. Apparently, she got around that figure a few years ago as a HO- due to on-call allowances, and judging by our working hours she thought we were being compensated more fairly.

With the Flexi Shift system, we get a set amount of money per month no matter how many hours we put into our work- called the Flexi Allowance or so. Usually, this doesn't concern me in the least- I expected to work my arse off and get minimum wage (lol) even before I started working, because it's always what we were taught to expect right when we started medical school. But what truly irks me is the amount of people who do not know what is going on, and yet are so sure of what they are saying based on some statements by the authorities and higher-ups who obviously only know to make policies and not really enforce them.

And as a result, they think we are being pampered and mollycoddled, and that our voices of dissent over the injustice of it all are just a result of our lazy, self-entitled upbringing and environment.

Yes, the Flexi System was SUPPOSED to be implemented for the following factors- more manpower equals less working hours per individual equals less compensation equals more economical and effective outcome. Win-win all around.

But do we really have enough manpower?
Are the hospitals simply overflowing with doctors, and in particular, HOs?
Is there any rule out there that would strictly enforce this 'Shift System' policy with penalties for failure to comply?
Uh, no.

As a result:

  • Many hospital departments still use the on-call system, or very long shift systems
  • We work way more than the 'cut-off' maximum hours per week
  • We still do on-call systems like our MOs, but twice a week, without weekends off, and without the 'lucrative' on-call allowance nor ability to claim our weekends/public holidays to the maximum.
  • And worst of all, nobody is brave enough to change the system.

If a lone HO dares to voice out his or her dissent, he or she is quickly met with antagonizing stares and fast-tracked on the road of extension and eventually displacement to another hospital. If that weren't enough, he or she is also threatened with a delayed promotion to MO-ship for being arrogant and not sticking to the status quo. Such is the way of the medical fraternity, I have learned- many are quick to anger and say they suffered the worst, and generational gaps remain massive and for the most part, insurmountable.

Words like 'during my time' are thrown around a lot, often out of context.

Le sigh.

It wouldn't have bothered me that much if some non-medical people had the misconception about our working hours. But hearing it from our own seniors really breaks my heart. What kind of attention would we be trying to garner by faking our own working hours?

Wake up.

30 hour shifts (and more) STILL exist for HOs.

We do NOT work less than 8 hours per shift most of the time.

And most HOs do not have a place to retire to by the end of their shift. In many departments in my hospital, there are no specific rooms for HOs on-call to rest- in fact, we are not expected to rest, thanks to our 'shift' hours that are supposedly blissfully short.

It is truly disheartening at times...
But life goes on.

And the job remains rewarding if you focus on the more rewarding aspects- i.e. the care of your patients.

Monday 17 October 2016

A Whiny Post (Sorry!)

Image result for whiny
Yes, I can be a whiny baby too. Waaaa D:

It's really disappointing when you suffer from the mistake of another individual.

But it's part of life.
Still, can't help whining about it.

I wish I had more patience.

On that note, please pray that I pass this posting uneventfully. If all goes well, I would be ending in a mere 3 weeks (less)! And my logbook still has some ways to go T___T

I really, really, REALLY do not want to get extended.
Really.
Not in this posting.
Please, God. I'm not sure I can handle the test.

Sure so far no MOs seem to be up my case or anything, but the boss can be quietly deadly.
Like, you think you're fine, and then BAM! Extension.

IT'S SCARY OKAY.

I do my work, it's true.
But the stupid thing is, it's so hard to get bosses' signatures on time for assessments.
They're often busy and/or in a bad mood. And when they're not, WE are often busy and too tired to even think of answering assessment questions.

It's something bosses seem to forget to understand.
It's not like I haven;t been rejected at least 6 times in asking for an assessment for one reason or another... And if bosses are that busy. then imagine us tiny little planktons, trying to carry out all their orders.

Sorry. Trying to be sincere here, but I'm only human and after over 30 hours of being awake and more than half of that doing something or another for other people while having your needs neglected...

Well. At least I'm sheltered from the rain and still get to eat afterwards, right?
And I get a steady income, right?

It's not all bad.
But that doesn't mean conditions can't improve for us measly little HOs.

Okay bye now before I get whinier.
I care for my patients, but sometimes people can be big bullies.

Waaaaaaa. 
/endwhinymode


Saturday 3 September 2016

A Post Dedicated To New Taggers

Dear new first-poster taggers,

Welcome to the working life! It will be filled with many ups and some downs. More importantly, it will shape you for many years to come. For many of you, it would be your first experience holding a job and finally, FINALLY being responsible for your own needs. Congratulations! It's not easy, but you're here to start and learn to be the captain of your own ship. The ship called your Career in Medicine.

Let me give you some tips, hopefully humbly, from the perspective of one who was, in the not-too-distant past, in your shoes:


1. Be proactive
More often than not, you will feel overwhelmed the first few days of your working life. Especially if you're not used to the system, i.e. overseas grads.

My advice is to be proactive- anticipate what you should know, and offer to do things. Ask for assistance- any good senior would be too happy to stand by you during your first couple of clerkings/procedures. But learn quickly, because most of the time everyone is too busy to just stand by you and be your guide. Everyone has their share of work!

My advice, as I have said, is to anticipate and prepare. Read about housemanship duties (from other people, blogs, or books). Watch videos of procedures. Read back on your theoretical knowledge and basic clerking skills.

But if you haven't done any of the above during your holidays, and only realized belatedly, then at least volunteer first and learn second. Seize the opportunities!


2. Listen to those more experienced
If your SN says she is concerned about the patient, chances are she has a good reason. They have been working for way longer than you most of the time and know when something is wrong. Listen and attend to the patient, and chances are you'll learn something new.

When your seniors say you should do a certain thing before another, there is a very high chance that you should listen to them. After all, they are most probably better at prioritizing tasks than you are, having been there for longer. This is something only experience can teach you; books only do so much. So if they say the clerking of a case can come after the blood C&S of another patient, then better do the latter first. This is only sometimes true- like when an antibiotic has to be given STAT and the patient is septic. How would you know? Experience.

Of course, as always, come prepared. At least you would have an inkling why they prioritize certain things more than others, and are less blind!


3. Try before you could even think of being intimidated
It's easy to be intimidated by new procedures the first few times. Even the simplest of things like blood taking may scare the wits out of you at first. Chillax, that is normal for new taggers. Eventually, blood taking will be the least of your concerns.

So try.

Seniors will likely point new people to easier patients for procedures, because they know that giving you harder options will likely make their jobs harder as well. So before you say you can't, if you've seen it being done before and know more or less what to prepare and how to do it, try. Try before you fill your head with negative thoughts of failure.

Failing the first few times is alright, but you will improve with practice. Most important is to attempt!


4. Find time to learn- quickly
You should have done at least some reading and preparing in your long months of holidays.
But if that's not the case, then learn while doing.
And learn quickly.

While you are in your tagging period, especially as a first poster, people will give you slightly more time with clerking and procedures. So this is good for some quick learning! For example, if you're clerking a case of adult pneumonia, open the Sarawak Handbook (3rd Edition) while you write out your plan. And if you're so swamped with work it's not possible to even open a handbook, then learn from the management plans given to you by your MOs/senior HOs. Internalize them and be sure to be able to manage the next similar case. During your first few days you are more likely to get away with making wrong diagnoses and not having any management plans, but some bosses are stricter and less lenient than others.

Bring a tiny pocketbook to jot down important facts. It will always come in handy, believe me.

If you have even more free time in the ward, as soon as you sit down and have no carry-outs then open your books and start revising based on the cases you just managed, so it is easier for you to remember the facts. And if your seniors or bosses tell you to revise a certain topic, then do so! It's probably very important and common.


5. Come early!
So you feel like you have no time to review your assigned patients before your bosses come? Unfamiliar with most of the terms you see (especially for those not used to the local system)? Want to practice blood taking? Want to know a bit more about the cases you're managing but once you get home, all you want to do is sleep?

Come early!

As new people, you are expected to come earlier than your seniors to familiarize yourself with the new environment. You cannot expect to be as speedy in reviewing as those more senior to you. If you do not feel the inclination to come early and you are a new tagger, shame on you. I'm sorry but this is true.

Please remember that even if they do not force you to come early, it is your onus to do your work to the best of your abilities. It's only for a period of time, until you're more confident of your own skills. And it may make a difference as to how others perceive you. If you're rather clueless but people see you putting in extra effort, chances are this will make your job way easier in the future. People are more likely to help those who show effort!


6. Take it one step at a time
Feeling depressed? Everyone went through it at some point in their working lives. You may feel alone but across space and time, you're one of many. Scoldings are normal (they shouldn't be, but alas they are in many hospitals).

For every single day you wake up and brave your workplace, is another day closer to the end.

Take it one step at a time.
One more day close to the next off day.
One more day closer to the end of the week.
One more day closer to the end of the month- and your salary!

And within the blink of an eye, your posting is half gone (talking about myself now)...


7. Keep going! Motivate yourself
Awful bosses? Snobby SNs?

They're only there for a blip in your entire existence!
4 months (inshaaAllah)! Not that long!

And look forward to future events.
If you love book sales, look forward to the next Big Bad Wolf Book Sale!
If you love traveling, look forward to the next Matta Fair!
If you love gadgets, look forward to the next PC fair!

And how about holidays with your loved ones? Plan your leave early and look forward to that!

Remember, this is temporary. It's just a tiny phase in your life.

Soon you'll be out of it and on to greater things. But how you react to what you have now will define you in the future.

Seize the opportunities, smile often and try to be sincere. It gets hard at times, but if you consciously try, God will help you.

Take care and remember it's all temporary! Persevere and you SHALL be rewarded!

Tuesday 30 August 2016

Selamat Hari Kemerdekaan!

Sementara negara menyambut hari kemerdekaan yang ke-59, jangan dilupa orang yang tersayang.

Berhati-hati di jalanraya; waspada dengan mercun dan bunga api yang merbahaya.

Paling penting, jangan hanya menganggap hari ini hanya sebagai satu lagi hari cuti di dalam kalendar anda. Hari ini membawa banyak maksud bagi mereka yang mahu berfikir.

Merdeka pada cara, merdeka pada hati.
Jangan biarkan minda anda sentiasa cetek.

Kemerdekaan berada pada ilmu di dada; kemerdekaan ada pada hasrat di jiwa.
Kemerdekaan adalah nikmat namun harus berpada-pada.

Berduyun-duyun manusia, rakyat Malaysia, yang membuat bermacam-macam cara kreatif dan alasan ke hospital untuk mendapatkan barang satu lagi hari cuti... Menyedihkan!

Ingatlah bahawa perbuatan anda sentiasa di lihat.
Ingatlah bahawa balasan sentiasa menanti anda.
Jangan dibuat sakit tatkala anda sihat!

Ikhlas dari seorang warga kerja hospital tanpa cuti umum. :)
Maafkan kekekokan saya berbahasa kebangsaan!

Sunday 28 August 2016

Slightly More Capable, But Still Not Knowledgeable

I know I'm slightly more capable now.

Despite the fact that MO D just told me I was really bad when I failed to answer some of her assessment questions post-call, which was humiliating because so many people were around us and, actually, in retrospect, I knew the answers to her questions in my head. Somehow I didn't vocalize them first/well enough. And she was right, they were pretty basic things.

But for an MO lots of things should be pretty basic things. That's why MOs can only become what they are after finishing HOship. Nevertheless, it is not excusable for me to not know things. I'm just... Really bad at being assessed. The panic energy is too much.

Anyway.

I know I'm slightly more capable because MOs can trust me when I say clinical findings, and history points. And so do some specialists. You can gauge how much they trust you by the way they react to your case presentation. Nodding, immediately giving their plans afterwards, and discussing cases with you are some positive points. But if they second-guess you and keep asking if you're sure, or keep reaffirming your facts with the patients, then you know you're not being trusted enough.

I've seen it happen. It has happened to me before, too. And some of your superiors just happen to be a bit more careful so they will always double-check, which is good. Therefore, don't take it too personally if you are being doubted. It's good that someone else will double-check your work, because at least you know the patient is receiving proper care.

I know I'm slightly more capable because the SNs will tell me things instead of other HOs, which is awesome and also slightly tiresome. Hey, I'm only human.

I know I'm slightly more capable because when given the choice, an MO would choose me to go with him instead of the other available HO. Which is annoying because I don't like being uprooted, but hey, it's an indirect praise. Also, job. Must do. Also when boss says do A, you better bet your arse you'll do A or get into trouble.

I know I'm slightly more capable because my more senior HOs would...
Oh wait.
My more senior HOs do not show trust in me.

Lesigh.

This department is a little bit bilirubin to the circulatory system that is my psyche.
It's starting to feel just a little bit on the unsafe side, the excessive side.
A little too... Toxic.

I'm too tired to study and too anxious to feel good about each coming day.
It's exhausting.

I'm getting back to the weight I had in my 3rd or 4th year of medical school.
Chances are I will lose more by the time the posting ends.

I'm starting to enjoy it, but the moment I get assessed and realize how much I STILL don't know, I get depressed again.

And it just goes to show, the toxic levels are mainly from me.

MO H asked me which uni I was from.
I told him.
He said I should be good, because all my seniors from that uni that he's seen were exceptionally good.
So he trusts me, he said.
I tittered nervously.

What BIIIG shoes you have, Grandma!
ALL THE BETTER TO SQUASH YOUR ANXIETY WITH!

Saturday 27 August 2016

On a Side Note

Yay: Losing 6 kg unconsciously over the past 1/12

Nay: Being in charge of countless TB patients for that same duration, with + cough on & off for >2/52

Double nay: Writing short forms on social media like they're BHTs.

Saturday 20 August 2016

Saving Lives in the Hardest Places


So while I complain about my life being rather miserable, there's this happening in more places than I dare to think. Not the mere act of saving newborns itself, but the cruel reality of violence that is pervasive in some places, more than others.

I am thankful for what I have, and repeatedly remind myself that it could be worse.

In the aspect of neonatal resuscitation- i.e. neonatal resuscitation programme, the current one that I learned in my previous posting, I have a lot to say about the techniques seen in this video. But when I think about it again, of the lack of resources and obviously manpower, and hence the lack of training that many of these brave souls might face... I am unable to say much.

All that's important, to them, is that they save lives. No matter how outdated the techniques. No matter the lack of equipment.
And that's what's most admirable.

So there's a quick recap of NRP and also a refresher for my soul.
In preparation of what may be the most dreadful day to come.

I fear it so much!




P.S.: Today must be one of the most relaxing days of my posting, which usually does NOT mean well for the coming days T___T I'm so superstitious astaghfirullah.

Tuesday 16 August 2016

Sigh

Two patients, at a time, told me that my blood-taking technique was good.

Repeatedly.

But if you've read any of my previous posts, you probably would have come across the post where I said blood-taking is highly dependent on luck, apart from experience of course. And that is what I tell any of my patients who would say that my blood-taking technique is way better than my colleague's.

1. It does not pay to downgrade your colleagues. Shifts change, and luck does, too. I had bad luck with several patients who are very easy to my friends, but with me were just simply difficult!

3. The same patient may prove to be difficult several blood-takings later- the vein mainly stays in one place, but complications do occur and running/easily-collapsible veins exist (especially in elderly patients). So it always helps, to me, if I tell the patient that the ease with which my blood taking is might change

2. They should expect blood-taking to be a difficult thing- that way, they're less inclined to go to the hospital. Hehe. I'm only kidding. OR AM I?!?

4. I switched 2 and 3 and you probably didn't notice. Shifts change and sometimes patients don't notice that you're a different doctor than your friend (particularly if you're wearing a mask all the time)... So that praise might not be aimed at you.

5. Simply for the sake of humility, never be too proud of your own skills. But be moderately proud and hold on to those praises because they might be the only thing to keep you smiling on busy tiring days.

This is turning into a 'How to Handle Praise Anonymously' post.

Anyway, I wanted to say that I have some reason to be proud, at least. Internally proud, that is.
I really should stop typing for an audience and type for myself.


I felt like crap.
Got some praise.
Un-feel like crap.
...
Don't know how to do certain stuff properly.
Get scolded by MOs/SNs.
Feel like crap again.

And the cycle goes on.

Life of a HO in a normal posting.
My previous posting was indeed heaven for HOs.

Tuesday 9 August 2016

Stained Glass

In my early(er) days as a HO in this department, I forgot to carry out a silly little thing and got scolded very heavily by an MO. Let's call him Bull (for reasons you probably won't guess correctly, believe me). So Bull's close friend in that ward is Crow (again, you won't get it correct).

Ever since those degrading few minutes when I got scolded by Bull, I always managed to evade him. And I wasn't yet in charge of the ward Bull was in charge in, so I rarely saw him after that. But I do get to see Crow a lot more- and Crow, probably by extension of Bull, always has a flicker of distrust in his eyes whenever I say anything to him. In fact, I believe Crow doesn't like me for reasons I do not know- probably because as one of the most junior HOs in this posting at the moment, I am probably expected to be the least reliable. And Bull and Crow like their HOs to be reliable because they do not like staying in the wards- i.e. the more reliable the HOs are, the less their headaches and the more time they get to do whatever they want outside the wards. Hey, I shouldn't judge, they might be attending cases in the OPD or ED all the time for all I know. But- NEWSFLASH- I'm human and yes, I'm slightly judging them right now. But I shouldn't just saying.

Anyway.

Many weeks (not nearly enough) have passed since then and today, as I was clerking a new case, lo and behold did I hear the bellow of the Bull from across the ward.

Immediately I thought, "FECES! Feces feces feces!"
The second thought was, "WHY did I let myself get thrown to help this ward instead of my other friends?!"
The third thought was, "Please don't remember me."
Or maybe "Please be kind."

My Mom and one of my aunts had taught me some things to say when facing those whom I think dislike me, to make their hearts more gentle, but at that time I forgot those entirely. In any case it's hard to remember such nice things when your head is swimming in feces.

Anyway, he told me to present.
Again inner thoughts.

I presented- croaked hoarsely, more like, because I am still rather sick.

And to my surprise...

He did not chuckle at my words nor make fun of me.
He did not show impatience when I fumbled some of my sentences or had to flip though the BHT to find the answers to some of his questions.
And surprisingly, the few times I dared to look at his face, it did not convey irritation, but much patience.

And not once did he raise his voice to me.

Truth be told, it was like he was a totally different MO from the first (and last) time I encountered him- though, if I remember correctly, he was wearing THE EXACT SAME SHIRT.

He told me his plans patiently. Just laid them out, no questions asked.
Told me to carry out some investigations.
Then left.

After some time while I was busy cleaning up the rest of the clerking I made after he left and tidying up the medication indented, the specialist came to review new cases. And I didn't realize it until Bull's voice called my name from in front of the counter. I whipped around, saw him and the specialist headed to my patient and quickly fast-walked to them, my coat hanging on to some spare steths on a nearby trolley and nearly toppling me. The specialist made a remark I couldn't hear. I just grinned apologetically his way.

Then Bull presented the case.
His history wasn't really correct, oh no. But I kept my mouth shut. They weren't important mistakes for managing the patient.
Except if I made those mistakes he probably would have humiliated me...
Or would he?

Then before he left, I asked Bull a question about the patient's medication, half-expecting him to give me a snide remark on how incompetent and retarded I am, but to my surprise he thought about it and gave me the answer nicely, as the specialist affirmed behind him.

Then they left.

And my jaw dropped.
But the hospital floor isn't sanitary so I didn't let it drop that far.

I finished all the carry-outs for that patient, said all that's necessary to him and his caretaker, and then finished up some more work at the counter.

And that day all the SNs were nice to me,  which was weird because the SNs in that ward used to hate me. I think.

When I returned to my ward, Crow happened to be around, and asked me where another MO was (let's call him Violin, also for reasons you wouldn't guess)- Violin is probably the nicest MO in this department, or at least one of them.
And there wasn't the flicker of distrust, nor the snide tone, that I was used to hearing from Crow. All I heard was a genuine question. And then he left also genuinely nicely.

How a person leaves genuinely nicely, I'll never know how to describe. But it happened, okay?


**********


But then here I am at home, and I've been thinking about it a lot, and I'm thinking...

Maybe the prayers worked.
Maybe my mother prayed extra hard.
Maybe all those bad times were the dark clouds hiding the silver linings.

Because not 48 hours ago, one of my other MOs (let's call her Dash- no guessing why again because you're likely to get it wrong too) saw me during morning rounds and asked me, "Why do you look like that?" and I answered, "I'm post-call, Dr," in my very sexy voice (by that I mean the sick kind, and not in the perv way, just in the health way, also don't make me elaborate this is getting awkward). She replied, "Oh, is that why? Your eyes are very red!" and I just smiled (from behind my mask, but I've been told my eyes smile along a lot). In fact I was very sick, and I was post-call as the only HO on-call in that ward the day before.

But then after my section of the ward was done with, she saw me again from afar and semi-shouted at me to go back- in a rather angry tone.
I was surprised. I thought, for sure I screwed something up and she didn't want to see my face.

But when I heard the reason...
"You look very sick! Your work ends in 2 hours, to me that's not a lot of time left. Have you done your work? Do you have anything pending? If so pass it to **** and go home!"
And when I looked confused and asked if she is sure, she told me she was, and that she only hates it when people lie- and I don't look like I'm lying about being sick (in fact I didn't even tell her I was sick nor did I ask to leave early).

... I nearly wept.
And I accepted graciously, for that is rezeki- a blessing from God. Also she was shouting at me, it's not like I can just dismiss it heheh.

She didn't hear me coughing the entire night in the spare bed where I was supposed to take some naps during those calmer times, then throughout the ward. She didn't hear me sniffle, blow my nose, nor croak my words to the patients and nurses, the day before. Neither did she see me with my pack of tissues and ever-present mask, and flushed face and swollen eyes. But somehow, I still looked so horrible the day after that she figured out how sick I was. *laughs*
Even Violin gave me a sympathetic look after that (and reminded me to tell our boss, too).

But the important thing is, Dash saw me being sick and gave me permission to leave a significant amount of time earlier... Even if it meant that she would have one less HO to carry out her orders for those hours.

And initially,

sadly,

I thought she was one of the more inconsiderate MOs.


**********

Which just goes to show...

A lot of the ugliness we see in others, is a result of our own dirtied glasses/windows through which we look, called perception.

What we perceive as reality, and what is actually there, are not just two different things, but in fact many, thrown across a broad prism of time, space and other things unfathomable to our logic. In fact, the way you perceive things, and how this results in how the world interacts with one another, all exist in different dimensions- and it's easy to grasp that notion when you think of just how complex your own train of thoughts are. The collision of so many perceptions and thoughts in this single dimension we call reality- now how does that chaos exist in such harmony? It simply does.

It's hard to see how any single perception is so similar to another when you think really hard about it.

In simpler terms, do not judge a person by a few of his/her habits or actions. Every person is a sum of all his/her actions, though of course there are some that are so bad or good that they almost nullify the other things in that person's character... But most of us do not belong in that extreme category. And all of us are neither the Angels nor the Devil himself.

Most of us are merely trying to find our way through life as easily as possible.
Most of us forget that this isn't the Real thing yet.
Most of us tend to forget that this is a test, and in the more negative moments spiral into darkness (God forgive me, that tends to be me, too).

Like I have repeatedly said, life will always have brighter moments.
Hold on. Just hold on, a little longer, and believe me the darkness and the hurt will dissipate, and give way to brighter, sweeter moments.

When the silence of humiliation or guilt overwhelms your senses, force the tiniest cracks of positive memories and aspirations through- they will wheedle in and take over soon enough, if you let them.

You can do it.
And when people get you down, and it feels like everyone is against you, this little thing should keep you going- that if your intentions are right, and only you and God should know that, then nothing- absolutely NOTHING- shall be futile.

So always correct your intentions.
Always, always try to think positively.
Make excuses for other people's meanness towards you, even as you avoid making excuses for yourself.

Remember that what goes around, comes around;
Kindness and patience is never wasted.


Now to sleep before my next lone on-call shift, and here's to hoping tomorrow's call will be bearable.
Just bearable will do. Preferably restful too. 

Thursday 21 July 2016

Bittersweet Symphony

After a typical day at work, I usually get home, try to sleep, and instead hear the incessant noises of the hospital ringing in my ears.

Beeping monitors.
Faint calls from nurses.
The dreaded phone ringing away.

Sometimes, at the edge of wakefulness, I could smell the hospital again- the latex, blood, alcohol and other bodily fluids I might have encountered that day.

I never really leave the hospital behind, even on my off days. The hospital follows me around, tracing my every step, hounding me like some stalker with whom I have a love-hate relationship.

It's difficult to fathom how I feel for this posting.

But it's pretty darn amazing sometimes.
And pretty bloody ridiculous at other times.

It's a bittersweet experience, but there is always something to be grateful for.

Tuesday 19 July 2016

Note to Self: Control Your Emotions!

"Dr, kenapa Dr tagging lagi? Dr dah pandai dah..."

Hehehe.
Occasional nice comments make my day.
You'd be surprised at how the smallest things can make your day when you feel downtrodden, and hold the lowest of the low rank in the food chain of the hospital (or at least department).


Because most of the time, comments are more like,

"Dr, takkan itu pun nak tanya saya?"

"Dr, tengok sendiri boleh tak?"

"Dr, bila nak buat *insert procedure here*?"
And all in very irritating tones.

And let's not get started on the snide remarks and outright humiliation one could get from one's bosses.

They- meaning *some* of these beloved human beings- can't see me sit and relax. They'll always ask me to do something.
Never mind that I've been working hours and hours longer than them. Never mind that they had time to take breakfast or lunch, and I didn't because my work started before either meal times and didn't stop.

But to take it personally is a waste, because had they given up on me entirely, they wouldn't call me to do anything at all. When you're so dysfunctional/lazy they give up on you, and even forget that you're working in the ward- or just ignore you altogether because they know you're too slow or tend to avoid doing things. So the fact that they keep asking you to do anything means they think you're capable of carrying it out.

Expect that they will scold you when you ask them how to perform something that, to them, seems basic. Some of them are just impatient- they'll come around when you prove that you are more capable. Or they won't, who cares- you're a HO and hopefully you won't be stuck with them for more than 4 months!


Today, I got so bloody pissed at a lot of things and it barely took all my effort to keep myself from outright shouting (I kind of snapped a little and my face might have shown it).

Then I got sad.

And then I got grateful & happy (it might have to do with the fact that I got to eat hehe).

This posting is turning me into a moody monster. It's awful. I pray I improve in terms of controlling my emotions. Pray for me.


Even the best and most patient of people have a breaking point. I've been very lucky because despite the meanness I have experienced, I could still find many kind, fun, and uplifting moments. But that doesn't mean that in that very dreary moment I could still feel unfiltered joy. It takes a lot of effort to think of life beyond that precise moment of horror.

You may think I'm writing for your sake.
Sometimes I think that too.
But I started this blog to remind myself of my moments in working life, and that means my personal good AND bad moments. I'm only human, and I'm far from perfect. I have ugly moments too. To whitewash them would be the opposite of my goal with this blog.

So forget about appearing like an exemplary HO.
This is the story of a normal HO, struggling with stupidly common HO issues like being bullied by SNs and bosses, and trying to be more competent in procedures that are easy theoretically, but actually really hard the first few times.

You may expect more blunder posts later, I think.
The best way to learn is to learn from others' mistakes and avoid them. I shall be your anonymous scapegoat when I can.
And I also get to remember how awkward I was, later in life!

~

Sunday 17 July 2016

Yours Truly.

I am the roach

You will approach

To give complaints

And ease your pains

But you forget

The moment we met;

I have feelings, too

Just like you.


I don't just poke

Because I can.

When you get stroke-

CT Scan.

I order them all

My bosses will call

Cause when I forget

They'll make me regret.


You lie on your bed

All covered in sweat

And call me nurse

But that's not the worst;

The moment I approach,

A tired, hungry roach,

You shoo me away

And make me pay.


My bosses yell

Roach, you're so slow!

Am I in hell?

I cannot tell.


When will I get

A morsel to eat?

You lie on your bed

"Roach, put up my feet".


I'm not your servant

Though I am the government's...

I guess that makes me

Your servant, honorary.


Yours Truly.
17 July 2016

Friday 15 July 2016

You can't spell 'MOODY' without 'MO'*

Day 9 of tagging (8 if you deduct the day off I took) and my MO was already asking me how long I should tag for.

I got scolded by that same MO for informing him of things and not looking at the patient first.
Too used to my previous posting modus operandi, I suppose. Also my previous posting MOs.

Like, he actually swore at me and snatched the BHT and observation charts before stalking off to see the patient while I stood there for a few moments, blinking my confusion (and guilt). Then I followed him and had to endure him telling me how incapable I was and that I was a Dr., not an informer, and that I should be able to clinically judge the patient, yadda yadda yadda (believe me I took everything to heart but I can't tell you everything. I don't dismiss my bosses' complaints to me no matter how hurtful they are).

Half an hour later and throughout the rest of the day he was very playful with me.
You can't spell "moody" without "MO", eh? Eh?


**********


I have been targeted by several MOs for various reasons that used to not make sense to me.
Like, the way I talk.
Or the silly mistakes I did.

The more playful some MOs are with you, the more likely other MOs are to dislike you (or target you, whichever way you see it). It's something this department is famous for. It's weird, after being in such a different environment in my other posting.

But after being in this posting for such a brief period, I can sort of understand where they get all their stress and anger from sometimes. It's such a demanding posting, and you have to be meticulous yet quick and efficient; have compassion and yet still have the emotional range of a robot when it comes to carrying out certain stuff. How does one find the balance in all that? No wonder they're all moody as anything.

Of course, being the planktons in the food chain of the department, HOs are the main source of consumption.

Lesigh.


**********


Joy in the little things.

Like when one of my patients accidentally called me 'Misi', but continued on with 'Misi, misi maanyak cantik'. Tiredness = Evaporated. I mean, she might have an eyesight problem (she does, to be fair) but my heart flowered and burst into many colourful, fragrant pieces that shattered the dreariness of the day in one single, brief moment.

Then the patient next to her had to comment that she has been saying it since earlier that evening, but she might have been mistaking me for a ghost. That was a total downer zzz.

Or when one of my MOs showed his amazement at my ability to clerk a patient, and include relevant scoring systems pertaining to her condition. Sadly, he was comparing me to another person who was also in my batch, also the same number of postings- and stating how we were so different in working quality. I actually knew there were other factors (I had ages to clerk the case as my MO was busy doing other stuff, and the other person had so little time)... And how I still relished the comparison that I was better than someone.

It's an entirely disgusting, human thing to feel. Most of us do not want to admit that being told we are better than others is actually cathartic. Unfortunately, that is the truth.

Being able to take a patient's ABG.

Having the patient who was previously dreading my approach, actually smile at me each time I review her and being more willing to let me take her blood and insert IV lines for her.

Having patients and relatives thank me for the smallest of things.

Of course, there are many other bad things that happened to me, but why would I waste my precious energy memorializing them? Heh heh.


 **********


When the going gets tough, the tough gets going.
I make sure I have other things to think about.

Life outside the walls of the ward.

Days away from the hospital.

Not to mention the satisfaction of well carried-out plans.

The Grand Scheme of Things, in which these 4 months are but a blip in the existence of my life.

So many things to look forward to, that it is stupid to stay stagnant in a pool of fear over what a single MO has done to me. Or several.


**********


And you will need to vent.

You will need an outlet.

It just so happens, one of my best outlets is this blog.


I know I'm improving, and I will prove that I'm not the non-functional tagger I was on my first day here!
Eh. I sound so confident here.
No lah.


* - Disclaimer: I love my MOs. Just like they love me. Haha.

Monday 11 July 2016

How's Work?

"How's work?" my lecturer queried on Facebook chat.

"It's great, Prof :)" I replied, tears streaming down my face.

That's the thing about social media- it allows us to be polite and act like everything is amazing when in reality, it's not.

**********

It took me 5 days to get to this phase.

I thought it was going to be shorter, so well done, me.
Finally crying. Finally met the malignant one (and it wasn't who I thought); still have more malignant ones to meet. So many MOs in this department.

But for each malignant MO, there will be three or more really decent ones. And so far all my specialists are amazing; so who am I to complain?

Although it doesn't erase the hurt from the shame and guilt that comes with getting scolded, it's a good reminder to always think that there is life beyond this department, beyond the walls of these wards with their negativity. I am worth more than this silly little mistake.

But crying is good, I suppose. It's a release.


Thursday 7 July 2016

First Day in General Medical Wards...

And I haven't cried yet!

I managed to drink!
And even eat! (A single cup Maggi for the entirety of the day, and even that after 6 pm, but still).

I ONLY CLERKED ONE CASE!
Surprisingly I still felt like I barely had time to relax.

I mean, it's hard to define the busy status of the ward and your efficiency from things like cases clerked- or any single parameter, really- because you always have to run around attending STAT calls, taking blood, reviewing dengue and investigation results and other patients that need reviewing, and you know... Take it all in. Basically your work is multifaceted.

But I was still pretty damn slow.

Most of my time was wasted on doing simple tasks for very long durations due to my ineptitude secondary to my newbness, also due to my repeated second-guessing secondary to lack of confidence secondary to lack of knowledge. Secondary to newbness.

Heheh.

I took almost 2 hours clerking a single patient from start to the moment I signed off my entry!! Three, if you count the moment when I finally had the guts to call my MO to review him (!!!). In my defense, the patient was very jovial and liked to talk, and I can't find it in me (yet) to cut him off.

It's great that God gave me a nice MO on-call, a kind MO post-call, and a gentle specialist on-call on my first day here. Also some seniors from my previous posting; ones I was actually rather close to. It's easier to transition in.

WAIT UNTIL TOMORROW WHEN THE FAMED STRICT SCOLD-EY SPECIALIST GOES FOR ROUNDS.

Please be strong, please be strong, please be strong and knowledgeable, self...

Tuesday 5 July 2016

Selamat Hari Raya! Eid Mubarak!

Though I couldn't really celebrate it, I had some great (albeit brief) moments with most of my family.

I had to leave early this morning to ensure I'm fresh for my new beginning in a new (and rather ominous) department.

I am really anxious, but at the same time excited.
I'm hoping to pull through without any major issues. The first few weeks will be awful, as all first few weeks (or days) in new departments are.

Pray for my perseverance, dedication and passion!

And may God bless you all with His blessings :)

Monday 27 June 2016

Final Day in Paediatrics

For a few weeks I had been craving a type of food.

There was delivery service for that food, but it was a little pricey, and I thought, maybe when I get my next month's salary (that was June 24th).

A day or so before June 24th, as I was writing a review of one of my patients at the ward counter, one of the mothers rooming in with her baby came by, greeted me and dropped a packet almost on my note. "Nah Dr, ni boleh share 2 orang. Saya memang niat nak beri pada staf wad sini." And as I looked astounded and thanked her, she handed out several more- about enough to feed 15 people.

IT WAS THE FOOD I HAD BEEN CRAVING.

Needless to say I spent no money that day and got the chance to eat something I've wanted to eat for a long, long time- and it was awesome!

I remember having to ask the mother for permission to bring her baby over so I could insert an IV line for her for the umpteenth time (the baby was super active and likes to 'self-debranulate' almost every day). She looked so upset, telling me that we have poked her child so many times. And I don't know how much gentler I could be when I coaxed her and told her the line was needed for her child to be better. IV antibiotics have to be completed, yo. And I can tell you poking human beings isn't fun especially cute babies- but someone has to do it.

I told her, I didn't like repeatedly doing it to her child, but I will try my best to be innovative and make sure the line lasts. I told her I tried my best to really secure the last line, but maybe something innovative has to be done this time around. Together with my nurse, we tried several different line-protective methods- gauze-wrapping, socks-using, blanket-bundling, getting input from one another. I think the socks helped in the end, though the mother preferred the gauze wrapping. We had to persuade her to keep the socks on her precious child and notworry too much about it swelling as the nurses will always look after branulas.

My point is, patience does wonders.
And patients can do wonders, too.

Today, I went to the ICU and saw that the patient I bagged was in a much more improved condition. The parents smiled at me. I am unsure if they remember that I was the one who bagged their son; watched as they went to their son and said encouraging words, oblivious to the fact that he was heavily sedated as I helped to pump oxygen into his lungs, silently holding back my own tears. I  watched as they cried when my boss told them his heart stopped, and then performed CPR and gave him a dose of adrenaline until his heart beat returned. I watched then. I was too stunned after what I did earlier possibly being the major cause of his complication.

But the complication can be corrected and he is alive and improving.

I wanted to inquire about his further progress, but I was too busy having my logbook and leave forms signed, and then I felt too awkward to ask. It's kinda stupid.

But there it was.
The patient I helped resuscitate was alive despite our initial fears.

The feeling is beyond words.

So many things happened in the last few weeks/days of my posting in this amazing posting.

Today is the last day, and I know, I know very dearly, that I will miss it so much. Though I doubt I would want to be a paediatric MO or further- all those tiny veins and flat babies!- I miss being a house officer here. During the time that I was in this department, it was rather heavenly.

I am so very grateful for all the people I met- my senior HOs, lovely MOs and SNs, and of course the specialists who never got absolutely, insanely mad at us for no reason.

Which will not be the case in my next posting.
My most dreaded posting. The posting that got me into a depressive episode back in my final year of medical school.

MEDICAL.


Saturday 25 June 2016

End of Posting (EOP)

I have passed my first posting, alhamdulillah.

Next up- the toughest posting since medical school, at least for me.
Medical.

I chose it. I was the first person to request my next posting among my batch, and I had the option to choose as there are many of us. And I chose medical.

On my last Post-call shift I participated in the resuscitation of a patient.
It was... traumatic for me. I wanted to write the details here, but even thinking about it now makes me tired.
But it was the first honest-to-goodness resuscitation I've done for a paediatric patient, as others were neonates.

Kind of like a welcoming introduction to Medical, as everyone has said.

My last day in Paediatrics is coming soon before my EOP (end-of-posting) holidays start.

Stuff to have settled prior to EOP:

1. Logbook completion

2. Final assessment

3. Inform posting captain and MO in charge of HOs of your last day

4. Leave forms

5. Logbook to be handed to HOD

6. Completion certificate (copy) to the Admin

I'll miss the camaraderie in this posting. The amazing bosses, the kind and helpful seniors, my juniors (some of whom are senior posters)- they're all great colleagues, some very dear friends.

I'll miss how huge a crush I had on Cute MO (still cute, though he is now a dear boss more than anything), the MOs' teasing and friendliness and how they helped out, and covered for us most of the time. Their guidance, unfailing patience with my newbness, honing me to be efficient and (slightly more knowledgeable.

I'll miss the tiny sliver of dread I would feel when I know my HOD will do rounds, but then how she will laugh at my flubbed-up sentences (I always end up flubbing at least one sentence when presenting to her, but not to other specialists)!

How the nurses joked and helped me greatly when I can't find stuff (most of the time), or couldn't find the right vein for line setting (quite some times), or mainly when I'm emotionally disturbed and needed their coddling (only a few times, eheh).


These are not things I could expect from my upcoming posting, but I'm sure they won't be totally absent.

One more day :(

Wednesday 22 June 2016

Off-Day Thoughts: RTD Summons & Obligations

I just used my Raya 'bonus' to pay a traffic summons from 2015.

Why didn't I pay it earlier? Because I didn't have the money for it and felt too embarrassed to ask my father to lend me his money for a third summons that I received *laughs*

Instead, I vowed to myself that I would pay it with my own money once I worked; funnily enough, I kept forgetting to do it until today. And I thought, "What better way to use the extra money the government gave me, than to fulfill what is due to said government?"

So... Yeah.

Why did I get the summon? Honestly, I didn't know the speed limit changed in that area, and suddenly there was a flash of light. It wasn't an area I frequented. Oops. I think I was even talking to a friend at that time, so I was preoccupied.

Anyway... This is a weird topic to blog about, it seems, but my message is this: If you have something pending, and you have the money to pay for it, then pay for that first instead of things that you want. Like, I could have used the RM 300+ for extra books, which I always want, but I didn't. I also wanted to save the money for my wedding, but I couldn't.

Don't talk about baju raya; I won't get new clothes unless I really have to, and it's not like I can really celebrate raya this year. Haha.

Plus... When Raya season comes, there will be a barrage of things I feel that I need, especially now that I'm earning my own money. Kuih raya (like I would even have open houses, those things are for ME), raya apparel, Corelle dinnerware... Whut?

It's very difficult to be on social media and abstain myself from looking through various shopping catalogues- when I have the time, that is. Even gaming laptops have special prices this season! If I had the money, I'm not entirely sure I would be able to resist!

But you know. All I need to do is close the tab for that particular product, and think to myself: Do I really need a Corelle dinnerware set to survive when I can buy plates, bowls and mugs for a small fraction of the price in the supermarket? Sure Corelle sets are famed for their resistance to breakage, but how often do I break my plates or mugs? The answer is probably once in a few years. And replacing them is still cheaper.

Same goes for baju raya- once I wear it often enough, the novelty wears off and it becomes just another piece of clothing.

And books... Well, books are another different thing entirely. I can't say the same about them, but I can talk myself out of splurging for them online most of the time.

Instead, how about being responsible, or using the money for other people?

Being charitable is something that never gets old. There will always be people who need help, and that satisfaction you get doing charity, that is a feeling normal humans will rarely get enough of. Not to mention, it is an investment for the afterlife, and every little bit helps. But even if you don't believe in such things, think of how you would want the world to be for your children and grandchildren. If there was an important lesson I learned in my life, it is the fact that law of attraction does exist. When I do good and feel good, good things tend to come my way sooner rather than later. Different beliefs and languages just have different names for it.

Giving to your parents: Social obligation where I'm from, AND a form of charity. Double yay!

Fulfill your obligations.
The rewards will come your way soon enough!

Saturday 18 June 2016

Off-Day Thoughts: Achievements?

It's really flattering when your boss asks you to take her blood when there are many others around to potentially do it, too.

Thanks for the trust, boss. Also thank God I got it in one stick and filling the tube barely took a few seconds.

*****

I was a total vampire on the last call.

I poked no less than 15 babies. Maybe even over twenty, I'm not so sure myself. Some of them were for three tubes of blood (Day 1 Jaundice workup, ya know what I'm saying?). After a while you just stop counting and just watch the blood drip, drip, drip...

I'm pretty good at poking babies by now. My success rate at intravenous cannulation of babies is now once in an average of 3 sticks- this of course includes harder sticks. Okay, maybe it's 4 sticks. Or more. But this hospital has a policy of only 2 unsuccessful trials before asking for help.

I'm glad to say that for older paeds cases, I usually get it done within 1.5 sticks (yes including those who struggle like mad- so that's an achievement). Usually just 1 stick for non-neonates; veins are more easy in normal-sized children. Cherubic ones are another matter entirely >.<

Also, who the heck keeps track of their IV cannulation success rates?!
Me.
I do.
It's for self-improvement purposes.
The post I uploaded earlier did help!

I'm pretty sure I had a better idea for my post today but I forgot. Too much sleep during the off-day will do that to you.

*****

Last few calls ago, I had the opportunity to hold an ultrasound probe and perform a bedside echocardiogram, thanks to Cute MO (YES I KNOW). I didn't even ask for it; he just told me to do it and as I asked "Are you serious?!" he replied with "It's easy, just point the probe and if you see something, you're doing it right." And he gave his trademark cute chuckle after saying that. And yes, he talked and guided me through the entire thing as I was clueless; though I knew what I was looking for, more or less, because I watched a lot of my bosses do it, and one of them even showed me in detail what to look for once- he will forever be one of my favourite MOs and will probably make a great specialist and lecturer in the near future.

But Cute MO did say I was good and suggested that it may be the start of my career as a cardiologist. We both laughed at that (I did most of the laughing, he just cute-chuckled with me).

See, not only are my MOs cute, they're also really encouraging and helpful.

I took photos of my first echo snaps. Baby's First Echo!
Literally, because that baby had his first echo done then. Hehe.

*****

My biggest achievement has got to be the fact that I have been able to gain weight during the entirety of this posting. I'm not even kidding. I gained like 4 kgs- that's like 1 kg per month!

And my final assessment is coming up soooooonnnnnn
I should be studying!



So those are my random train of thoughts for this post.





Wednesday 15 June 2016

I have feelings, too...

On the verge of tears, I told my groupmates on the next shift that I was sorry.

"I had no time to do a proper passover... I was so busy until now, and now that things have gotten a little calmer all I can do is stare into space and simply... breathe."

*****

I went up and down a flight of stairs, carrying heavy items in my arms, with the adrenaline rush propelling me- the adrenaline rush of possibly having to resuscitate new lives; possibly having to see a limp, silent, blue baby- and changing it to a moving, crying, pink monster (in the best way possible). Without a drop of liquid to ease my parched throat or soothe my cracked lips, I ran around and dealt with clerking sheets, blood taking, stand-bys; Heard loud crying that soothed each of the worrying wait.

When I finally got back to the ward and had time to sit and do a review of the patients admitted, I was met with people asking me to explain my management, or confirm them, or those who simply wanted to know the condition of their children.

I tried and mostly succeeded at being positive, smiling at every one at least once.
When they questioned me repeatedly, I tried to keep my cool. I did, even.
(Then I slumped down in my seat behind the counter and held my head in my hands, holding in the pounding headache, before trying to continue my written work again- only to be interrupted within a few sentences, until visiting hours were over).

Then, after countless emergency calls and sudden orders for blood taking- over 13 hours of it, among others- I went into a cubicle where a baby, connected to various machines to monitor its well-being, lay, precariously, on some water-filled gloves. Those of you who have been in this situation probably have an inkling of what happened to the baby. My MO suddenly asked me to take its blood after asking it earlier from someone else who went away to attend another case.

I asked permission from the SN in charge of the cubicle if I could take the baby to the procedure room to take its blood. Politely. It is, in my experience, the proper thing to do- sometimes we take the baby without informing them, and get into trouble with the SN in charge for 'stealing her children'.

And the SN retorted: "Dr, takkan itu pun nak tanya saya? Dr dah berapa lama kerja kat sini? Ambil je lah, asalkan Dr letak semua benda balik dekat dia. Jangan jadi macam tadi, drip pun tak jalan lepas ambil darah!"

From at least 2 different SNs, these remarks were made to me from across the room, in different voices and tones and words.

Perhaps I intruded in their post-iftar discussion on things that didn't involve ward work. Maybe some of them were tired, too.

But none of them came as early as I did; in fact all of them arrived at most 6 hours after I started work. None had to run around the hospital and all stayed in the comfortable, air-conditioned setting of the ward. And I certainly wasn't the one who did not continue the drip. In fact, in other wards the SNs acknowledge that they will be in charge of restarting the drip and are too happy to help us do so- but that's another thing entirely.

Now, I'm usually rather bubbly. One SN in particular in the ward is constantly reminding me of how cheerful and generally polite I am. But hearing that, instead of dismissing it as usual with my apologetic grin, I kept quiet and immediately got to removing the many monitoring wires on the baby in an effort to push it to the procedure room. I could feel my expression changing. I could faintly feel the stinging of tears behind my eyes.

I was so emotional I got upset at myself.
Why was I weighing my effort against theirs? I shouldn't do such a thing! I try every day not to do it, in fact. But when someone speaks so offensively to me, I can't help the negative rush of emotions that flooded me in self-pity. That made my sincerity flicker, even just a little, into pettiness.

Perhaps noticing my change in demeanour, the SN who was most vocal almost immediately said that she was flustered with all that's been happening (in Malay terms), though it was far from an apology. I did not respond in fear of having them hear me sound upset; I kept my mouth shut and gently handled the baby, finally pushing it to my destination, as the SNs returned to their discussion.

Once there, the new tagger in the ward asked me what I was doing, and other things. I kept my answers short while trying to not sound rude. By then, in all honesty, I was thinking bitterly of how carefree the tagger is, feeling less responsible for the bulk of the work that day and not having to run around for the mere fact that she is new and not familiar with the work. But I thought again that I shouldn't be bitter; the entire time, I thought that maybe, unlike me, she is more shy and that is why she rarely asks to help around, instead asking only when she thinks she can do something. Maybe, somehow, I intimidate her. And at the very least, the small amount of help she offers me is better than no help at all- even if it came at the end of the day.

I was being very bitter, and honestly I was disappointed in myself. I might not have been so different if the ward were that busy during my tagging period.

So I concentrated on my task at hand, and succeeded, and then returned the baby to the cubicle. This time, when I asked something to the SN, she did not snap. I managed a weak smile at one of her remarks.

I wanted to run to the bathroom and cry because I was so tired and the snappy remarks they made at me were the straws that broke my back. But then my next shift came, and the understanding remarks from my colleagues- nay, dear friends- made up for it.

For as I apologetically told them that I did not do a proper passover, they patted my shoulder and told me they understood. That they've been there just yesterday, and that they will look over everything again, and that I shouldn't worry. I should just go home and rest for tomorrow.

Tomorrow.

Sometimes, all you need is a little bit of kindness...
And a place to vent.

Monday 6 June 2016

Ramadan Kareem!

So here I am, celebrating my first Ramadan as a working person. Ramadan Kareem!

Inshaa Allah, this year will definitely be better than the last :)

Friday 3 June 2016

Intravenous Cannulation Tips & Tricks

I decided to put this here so I can easily access it later! Much thanks to the original writer, editor, compiler, uploader and site (source below). It is a foreign nurses' site, so mainly addresses nurses, but IV insertion is largely the onus of the HOs in this country. In any case, the advice is mostly usable, although we lack many of the more advanced equipment in the post and there are always personal or regional preferences and SOPs to consider.

A side note from me, given from other seasoned healthcare practitioners: You can (and should) try your best to minimize your patient's discomfort, but do not feel too bad about the none-too-occasional vein searching and multiple pokes. IV cannulation is 80% skill; 20% luck (and 40% mood)!

Starting from the link below, the contents are not mine.

Source: http://nurseslabs.com/50-intravenous-therapy-iv-tips-tricks/6/



Most complaints that are received from patients and their significant others even before the start of a shift are swelling and infiltrated intravenous sites.

Intravenous therapy (or simply IV therapy) is one of the most basic treatments given to almost every patient admitted to every hospital, and the skill of intravenous catheter insertion must be remembered by heart by every nurse therapist. To avoid these complaints and giving undue pain to your patients, take a look at these tips on how to become a sharpshooter in every intravenous insertion that you make.


1. Stay calm and be prepared. Hitting the bullseye on one try will depend on the nurse’s preparation and skill. You and your patient should be composed as a nervous, and rushed procedure will likely result in failure. Allay anxiety by explaining the procedure to the patient and determine the patient’s history with IV therapy. Ensure the patient is comfortable and sufficiently warm to prevent vasoconstriction.

2. Exude confidence. Believe in yourself and reassure the patient you know what you’re doing. The patient will be encouraged by your confidence and you too, of course.

3. Assess for needle phobia. Needle phobia is a response as a result of previous IV insertions. Symptoms include tachycardia and hypertension before insertion. On insertion bradycardia and a drop in blood pressure occurs with signs and symptoms of pallor, diaphoresis, and syncope. Reassure the patient with a comforting tone, educating the patient, keeping needles out of sight until the last minute before use, and use of topical anesthetics can help manage needle phobia.

4. Observe Infection control measures. Use sterile gloves in inserting a cannula into the patient. Intravenous insertion is an invasive procedure and requires sterile technique and proper infection control measures. Wipe a cotton swab or alcohol pad on the insertion site to minimize microorganisms in the area and also to visualize the chosen vein more clearly.

5. Assess the vein. Before inserting a needle into a patient’s vein, you have to assess its condition first. A well-hydrated person has firm, supple, and easy-to-reach veins. Well-hydrated veins are bouncy, making them the right fit for insertion. Some patients need intravenous therapy but are dehydrated, so it is a challenge to hit the vein in one go. To avoid injuring the vein, always assess first that you are aiming for a vein that is not frail enough to blow up during the insertion. The following tips can help you with that.

6. Feel rather than look. If you can’t see a suitable vein, trust your fingers even more than your eyes. It’s also an excellent opportunity to familiarize yourself with a suitable vein. A tendon may feel like a vein but palpating it through a range of motion may prove that it is not.

7. Ask your patient. The patient may know more which veins are suitable basing on his previous IV history.

8. Use appropriate cannula size. Match the needle and the gauge of the cannula to the size of the patient. You can hit a vein that is smaller than your needle, but it would be injured and would blow up because the needle is bigger than it is.

Parts of an IV catheter.

9. Consider the use. Put into consideration the type of infusion that is needed when you choose your cannula. Needles with smaller gauges could not accommodate blood transfusion and parenteral feeding. Needleless equipment is now widely used to minimize injury to the vein during and after insertion.

Recommended gauges for different conditions.

10. Insert at the non-dominant hand first. Consider inserting on non-dominant hand first so the patient can still perform simple functions using the dominant hand. However, if you cannot locate an appropriate site or vein for insertion in the non-dominant hand, proceed with the dominant hand.


Vein Selection

11. Start with distal veins and work proximally. Start choosing from the lowest veins first then work upward. Starting at the most proximal point can potentially lose several sites you could have below it.

Common sites for vein insertion.

12. Use a BP cuff rather than a tourniquet. If the patient has low BP, it would be best to use a BP cuff inflated to appropriate pressure to make the veins dilate. This technique can also be useful for older patients and those with veins that are too difficult to access. For patients with hypovolemia, use a larger vein as small veins collapse quicker. Inflate the cuff to the lowest pressure first and see if the veins appear.

13. In using a BP cuff as a tourniquet. When using one as a tourniquet, invert it, so the tubings are away from the limb giving you a clear view of the site and removing possibilities of the tubings contaminating the site. The BP cuff lets your patient have a wider, more comfortable tourniquet that compresses evenly and efficiently and can be adjusted to the exact pressure needed to dilate the veins.

14. Puncture without a tourniquet. If the patient has adequately filled but fragile veins, proceed with the insertion without using a tourniquet. Pressure from the placement of the tourniquet may cause the client’s delicate vein blow out upon puncture.


Making it more visible

15. Gravity is your friend. Let the patient’s arm dangle down on the side of the bed if no veins are observed to promote venous filling. Gravity slows venous return and distends the veins. Full and distended veins are easier to palpate and are always an excellent option for insertion.

16. Use warm compress. Apply warm compress or warm towels over the area for several minutes before you insert. A warmer temperature would enable the vein to dilate and make it more visible to the surface.

17. Do not slap the vein. Some nurses have a bad habit of slapping the site of insertion so that the vein be more visible. Though the practice is helpful at times, veins have nerve endings that react to painful stimuli causing them to contract, therefore, making it harder to locate the vein. Please don’t make an already painful procedure even more painful.

18. Flick or tap the vein. Rather than slapping, use your thumb and second finger to flick the vein; this releases histamines beneath the skin and causes vein dilation.

19. Feel the vein. Wrap a tourniquet above the site of insertion to dilate the veins and gently palpate the vein by pressing it up and down. Use the same fingers in palpation so you would be able to familiarize the feeling of a bouncy vein. Tap the vein gently; do not slap it to avoid contraction of the vein.

20. Fist clenching. Instruct the patient to clench and unclench his or her fist to compress distal veins and distend them; this helps in venous filling.

21. Use the multiple tourniquet technique. By using two or three latex tourniquets, apply one high on the arm and leave for 2 minutes, apply the second at mid arm below antecubital fossa. Collateral veins should appear. Use the third one if needed.

22. Vein dilation using nitroglycerine. To help dilate a small vein, apply nitroglycerine ointment to the site for one to two minutes. Remove the ointment as you make your final disinfection of the site with alcohol.

23. Flow where you want it to go. When disinfecting the insertion site, rub the alcohol pad in the direction of the venous flow as to improve the filling of the vein by pushing the blood past the valves.


Rub the alcohol pad in the direction of the venous flow


Cleaning or Disinfecting IV Sites

24. Clean vigorously and widely. To have the tape and dressing adhere tightly to clean dry skin. Disinfect a wider area to in case another vein shows up.

25. Use a vein locator. Veins can be very hard to find in infants or small children, equipment like transilluminator lights and pocket ultrasound machines can illuminate vein pathways so you can have a visual direction of where you should insert your catheter. Be wary of burning skin and limit the duration of contact.

Example of a vein locator: Accuvein.

Insertion of the Catheter

26. Stabilize the vein. Pull the skin taut just below the entry site to support the vein for needle entry and this also lessens the pain the patient may feel upon insertion. Make sure that the alcohol has already dried on the skin before inserting because this may become more painful for the patient.

27. Insert the IV catheter directly atop the vein. Initiating it from the side of the vein can push it sideways even if it’s anchored by your hand.

28. Prevent kinking. Sometimes, if the vein is hardened or scarred, there is a risk of kinking the cannula. Otherwise, one can get through the scar to a usable portion of the vein by using the following technique:

29. Twirl the catheter hub. Mild obstructions, tortuosity of the vessel, vessel fragility, and frictional resistance can be overcome by “twirling” the catheter hub. To do this insert the IV with a slight rotating motion to help glide over some parts of the vein.

30. Bevel up. Make sure the bevel of the needle faces upwards as this is the sharpest part of the needle. Believe me, the needle will glide easily if inserted this way.

31. Make the shot at a 15-30 degree angle over the skin. Hold the catheter in a 15-30 degree angle over the skin with the bevel up and inform the patient that you are going to insert the needle.



Additional techniques for IV insertion.

32. Feel for any resistance. As you insert the needle, feel for any resistance from the pain. If no resistance is felt, advance the needle carefully. If there is resistance felt, discontinue your insertion because you might disrupt the vein and injure it further.

33. “The Flashback.” Once you can see that there is a backflow of blood (i.e., “Flashback”) from the veins, remove the tourniquet and completely advance the catheter and remove the needle altogether. Secure the catheter to the patient’s skin correctly and open the infusion line to start the therapy. It’s one of the best feelings in nursing!

Rejoice!

34. Don’t go all in. Know when to stop advancing your catheter, once you hit the vein and see a flash of blood back, stop and lower your angle of approach. Advancing it further may puncture through the vein.

An inside look at a vein with an IV catheter.

35. Don’t rush into starting the IV fluid. Once inserted and secured, initiate the IV infusion slowly as if you’re working with fragile veins. Rushing to start the fluid might blow the vein.

36. Release the tourniquet first. Once you have ensured the catheter is within the vein, untie the tourniquet before advancing the catheter to prevent it from blowing due to increase in pressure.


Securing the line

37. On taping the IV tubing. Improper taping of the I.V. tubing across the cannula and the vein beneath it will later cause pain during infusion. Tape the tubing away from the cannula site. When taping the catheter should be secured and accessible.

You can also use this specialized dressings for catheter securement.

38. Limbs in motion? When the patient’s limbs are on the move (i.e., inside an ambulance), secure the IV site by locking the arm in extension and blocking the flexion at the elbow.

39. Go with the flow when taping. Tape down the tubing while considering the natural movements of the body; thus running all tubing laterally on the limb in the direction of the motion. You can prevent the tubing from coiling or tangling by “going with the flow” of the body.

40. Stress tape to prevent accidental yanking. Use one or two stress tapings to avoid a direct pull from an IV site if the tubing is snagged. Do not tape down excessive loops or coils which shorten the length of the tubing. One should not tape on the proximal side of a flexing joint; it’ll just be removed easily. Do not wrap the tubing around a digit when taping it because when the patient clenches his fist, it can easily pull out or alter the flow of the catheter. A double-back of the tubing with a short loop will secure it well.

Securing the catheter by adding a stress loop.

41. If it leaks. If a small leak occurs at the point and moment of insertion, the vein may still be usable if the catheter tip can be fully advanced proximal to the leakage. Observe a test infusion of non-irritating fluid for any extravasation carefully before other use.

42. Do not probe for a vein. Also called “fishing” or “vein searching”–this is painful especially when the nurse unintendedly probes into muscle or tendon. If you don’t get a flashback, don’t not let your needle dig for a vein by moving it around. When this does happen, this may be a sign that you’ve missed your target, and your needle has been deflected by a rolling or hard veins. Sometimes, you may only need to pull back the needle and insert in another direction, doing so is better than starting the procedure over again.


Special Considerations

43. For older patients and pediatric patients. They have smaller and fragile veins than normal adults do. Use small gauges that can still aid proper venous flow. Choose the right site for insertion. Probably the safest location is in the hands, but be sure to stabilize it because pediatric patients are fond of gesticulating, and elderly patients are prone to falls.

Veins of older patients can be tricky.

44. For patients who have dark skin tone. You can use a blood pressure cuff and inflate it to visualize the vein more clearly due to distention. The trick of wiping a cotton swab in the direction of the vein also helps to visualize the vein better for pediatric, elderly, and dark-skinned patients.

45. For veins with valves, use the floating technique. There are some people with prominent valves in their veins that can hinder insertion. These valves feel like little bumps along the vein’s track and is common among weightlifters and sculptors. If you have difficulty inserting the catheter to this kind of vein, use a floating technique to open the valves. Floating method is done by attaching a primed extension tubing to the cannula and gently flushing the tubing with normal saline via a syringe while advancing the catheter.

46. Bifurcating veins. These veins have a noticeable inverted V-shape and are less likely to roll during insertion. However, the vein should be accessed below the bifurcation with the highest probability of cannulation success.

47. Call the “vein whisperer”. After some reasonable unsuccessful attempts to insert the IV catheter, it would be best for the patient that the nurse calls for another healthcare provider to try inserting the IV. Staff in NICU, Anesthesia, or vascular surgeons are sometimes needed for some patients. Call on those who may have the best chance before all veins are used up.

48. On the use of restraints. Infant and children may need to have their limb splinted or restrained before starting the IV as they may be uncooperative during the insertion. Do not forget to place your tourniquet before securing the splint as not to have to delve it through beginning the venipuncture.

49. Restraining using Papoose or Mummy wrap. It can be wise to restrain using a “Papoose” or a “Mummy” wrap for some children whom agitation and potential combativeness cannot yet be safely relieved. Though unsettling to the family, explain that you want to make the best possible chances of success in the first effort.

50. Learn the art of distraction. Children can be uncooperative during procedures and use of distraction methods like letting the patient blow bubbles, sing or count are sufficient techniques.

Intravenous insertion may be one of the basics skills a nurse would learn, but it could be one of the most difficult if you lack the practice and the confidence to do it. Most of the sharpshooters have gained their skill through continuous practice and plenty of experiences in this field. A lot of factors may affect the way you insert an intravenous catheter, but you have to control them and bend them to your convenience. Never rush on any nursing skills that you still not have, or take a shortcut just to achieve your goals. Nursing practices must be accurate, precise, and learned not only by the brain but most especially by the heart.


With words by Marianne Belleza, RN