In my early(er) days as a HO in this department, I forgot to carry out a silly little thing and got scolded very heavily by an MO. Let's call him Bull (for reasons you probably won't guess correctly, believe me). So Bull's close friend in that ward is Crow (again, you won't get it correct).
Ever since those degrading few minutes when I got scolded by Bull, I always managed to evade him. And I wasn't yet in charge of the ward Bull was in charge in, so I rarely saw him after that. But I do get to see Crow a lot more- and Crow, probably by extension of Bull, always has a flicker of distrust in his eyes whenever I say anything to him. In fact, I believe Crow doesn't like me for reasons I do not know- probably because as one of the most junior HOs in this posting at the moment, I am probably expected to be the least reliable. And Bull and Crow like their HOs to be reliable because they do not like staying in the wards- i.e. the more reliable the HOs are, the less their headaches and the more time they get to do whatever they want outside the wards. Hey, I shouldn't judge, they might be attending cases in the OPD or ED all the time for all I know. But- NEWSFLASH- I'm human and yes, I'm slightly judging them right now. But I shouldn't just saying.
Anyway.
Many weeks (not nearly enough) have passed since then and today, as I was clerking a new case, lo and behold did I hear the bellow of the Bull from across the ward.
Immediately I thought, "FECES! Feces feces feces!"
The second thought was, "WHY did I let myself get thrown to help this ward instead of my other friends?!"
The third thought was, "Please don't remember me."
Or maybe "Please be kind."
My Mom and one of my aunts had taught me some things to say when facing those whom I think dislike me, to make their hearts more gentle, but at that time I forgot those entirely. In any case it's hard to remember such nice things when your head is swimming in feces.
Anyway, he told me to present.
Again inner thoughts.
I presented- croaked hoarsely, more like, because I am still rather sick.
And to my surprise...
He did not chuckle at my words nor make fun of me.
He did not show impatience when I fumbled some of my sentences or had to flip though the BHT to find the answers to some of his questions.
And surprisingly, the few times I dared to look at his face, it did not convey irritation, but much patience.
And not once did he raise his voice to me.
Truth be told, it was like he was a totally different MO from the first (and last) time I encountered him- though, if I remember correctly, he was wearing THE EXACT SAME SHIRT.
He told me his plans patiently. Just laid them out, no questions asked.
Told me to carry out some investigations.
Then left.
After some time while I was busy cleaning up the rest of the clerking I made after he left and tidying up the medication indented, the specialist came to review new cases. And I didn't realize it until Bull's voice called my name from in front of the counter. I whipped around, saw him and the specialist headed to my patient and quickly fast-walked to them, my coat hanging on to some spare steths on a nearby trolley and nearly toppling me. The specialist made a remark I couldn't hear. I just grinned apologetically his way.
Then Bull presented the case.
His history wasn't really correct, oh no. But I kept my mouth shut. They weren't important mistakes for managing the patient.
Except if I made those mistakes he probably would have humiliated me...
Or would he?
Then before he left, I asked Bull a question about the patient's medication, half-expecting him to give me a snide remark on how incompetent and retarded I am, but to my surprise he thought about it and gave me the answer nicely, as the specialist affirmed behind him.
Then they left.
And my jaw dropped.
But the hospital floor isn't sanitary so I didn't let it drop that far.
I finished all the carry-outs for that patient, said all that's necessary to him and his caretaker, and then finished up some more work at the counter.
And that day all the SNs were nice to me, which was weird because the SNs in that ward used to hate me. I think.
When I returned to my ward, Crow happened to be around, and asked me where another MO was (let's call him Violin, also for reasons you wouldn't guess)- Violin is probably the nicest MO in this department, or at least one of them.
And there wasn't the flicker of distrust, nor the snide tone, that I was used to hearing from Crow. All I heard was a genuine question. And then he left also genuinely nicely.
How a person leaves genuinely nicely, I'll never know how to describe. But it happened, okay?
**********
But then here I am at home, and I've been thinking about it a lot, and I'm thinking...
Maybe the prayers worked.
Maybe my mother prayed extra hard.
Maybe all those bad times were the dark clouds hiding the silver linings.
Because not 48 hours ago, one of my other MOs (let's call her Dash- no guessing why again because you're likely to get it wrong too) saw me during morning rounds and asked me, "Why do you look like that?" and I answered, "I'm post-call, Dr," in my very sexy voice (by that I mean the sick kind, and not in the perv way, just in the health way, also don't make me elaborate this is getting awkward). She replied, "Oh, is that why? Your eyes are very red!" and I just smiled (from behind my mask, but I've been told my eyes smile along a lot). In fact I was very sick, and I was post-call as the only HO on-call in that ward the day before.
But then after my section of the ward was done with, she saw me again from afar and semi-shouted at me to go back- in a rather angry tone.
I was surprised. I thought, for sure I screwed something up and she didn't want to see my face.
But when I heard the reason...
"You look very sick! Your work ends in 2 hours, to me that's not a lot of time left. Have you done your work? Do you have anything pending? If so pass it to **** and go home!"
And when I looked confused and asked if she is sure, she told me she was, and that she only hates it when people lie- and I don't look like I'm lying about being sick (in fact I didn't even tell her I was sick nor did I ask to leave early).
... I nearly wept.
And I accepted graciously, for that is
rezeki- a blessing from God. Also she was shouting at me, it's not like I can just dismiss it heheh.
She didn't hear me coughing the entire night in the spare bed where I was supposed to take some naps during those calmer times, then throughout the ward. She didn't hear me sniffle, blow my nose, nor croak my words to the patients and nurses, the day before. Neither did she see me with my pack of tissues and ever-present mask, and flushed face and swollen eyes. But somehow, I still looked so horrible the day after that she figured out how sick I was. *laughs*
Even Violin gave me a sympathetic look after that (and reminded me to tell our boss, too).
But the important thing is, Dash saw me being sick and gave me permission to leave a significant amount of time earlier... Even if it meant that she would have one less HO to carry out her orders for those hours.
And initially,
sadly,
I thought she was one of the more inconsiderate MOs.
**********
Which just goes to show...
A lot of the ugliness we see in others, is a result of our own dirtied glasses/windows through which we look, called
perception.
What we perceive as reality, and what is actually there, are not just two different things, but in fact many, thrown across a broad prism of time, space and other things unfathomable to our logic. In fact, the way you perceive things, and how this results in how the world interacts with one another, all exist in different dimensions- and it's easy to grasp that notion when you think of just how complex your own train of thoughts are. The collision of so many perceptions and thoughts in this single dimension we call reality- now how does that chaos exist in such harmony? It simply does.
It's hard to see how any single perception is so similar to another when you think really hard about it.
In simpler terms, do not judge a person by a few of his/her habits or actions. Every person is a sum of all his/her actions, though of course there are some that are so bad or good that they almost nullify the other things in that person's character... But most of us do not belong in that extreme category. And all of us are neither the Angels nor the Devil himself.
Most of us are merely trying to find our way through life as easily as possible.
Most of us forget that this isn't the Real thing yet.
Most of us tend to forget that this is a test, and in the more negative moments spiral into darkness (God forgive me, that tends to be me, too).
Like I have repeatedly said, life will always have brighter moments.
Hold on. Just hold on, a little longer, and believe me the darkness and the hurt will dissipate, and give way to brighter, sweeter moments.
When the silence of humiliation or guilt overwhelms your senses, force the tiniest cracks of positive memories and aspirations through- they will wheedle in and take over soon enough, if you let them.
You can do it.
And when people get you down, and it feels like everyone is against you, this little thing should keep you going- that if your intentions are right, and only you and God should know that, then nothing- absolutely NOTHING- shall be futile.
So always correct your intentions.
Always, always try to think positively.
Make excuses for other people's meanness towards you, even as you avoid making excuses for yourself.
Remember that what goes around, comes around;
Kindness and patience is never wasted.
Now to sleep before my next lone on-call shift, and here's to hoping tomorrow's call will be bearable.
Just bearable will do. Preferably restful too.
