I know I'm slightly more capable now.
Despite the fact that MO D just told me I was really bad when I failed to answer some of her assessment questions post-call, which was humiliating because so many people were around us and, actually, in retrospect, I knew the answers to her questions in my head. Somehow I didn't vocalize them first/well enough. And she was right, they were pretty basic things.
But for an MO lots of things should be pretty basic things. That's why MOs can only become what they are after finishing HOship. Nevertheless, it is not excusable for me to not know things. I'm just... Really bad at being assessed. The panic energy is too much.
Anyway.
I know I'm slightly more capable because MOs can trust me when I say clinical findings, and history points. And so do some specialists. You can gauge how much they trust you by the way they react to your case presentation. Nodding, immediately giving their plans afterwards, and discussing cases with you are some positive points. But if they second-guess you and keep asking if you're sure, or keep reaffirming your facts with the patients, then you know you're not being trusted enough.
I've seen it happen. It has happened to me before, too. And some of your superiors just happen to be a bit more careful so they will always double-check, which is good. Therefore, don't take it too personally if you are being doubted. It's good that someone else will double-check your work, because at least you know the patient is receiving proper care.
I know I'm slightly more capable because the SNs will tell me things instead of other HOs, which is awesome and also slightly tiresome. Hey, I'm only human.
I know I'm slightly more capable because when given the choice, an MO would choose me to go with him instead of the other available HO. Which is annoying because I don't like being uprooted, but hey, it's an indirect praise. Also, job. Must do. Also when boss says do A, you better bet your arse you'll do A or get into trouble.
I know I'm slightly more capable because my more senior HOs would...
Oh wait.
My more senior HOs do not show trust in me.
Lesigh.
This department is a little bit bilirubin to the circulatory system that is my psyche.
It's starting to feel just a little bit on the unsafe side, the excessive side.
A little too... Toxic.
I'm too tired to study and too anxious to feel good about each coming day.
It's exhausting.
I'm getting back to the weight I had in my 3rd or 4th year of medical school.
Chances are I will lose more by the time the posting ends.
I'm starting to enjoy it, but the moment I get assessed and realize how much I STILL don't know, I get depressed again.
And it just goes to show, the toxic levels are mainly from me.
MO H asked me which uni I was from.
I told him.
He said I should be good, because all my seniors from that uni that he's seen were exceptionally good.
So he trusts me, he said.
I tittered nervously.
What BIIIG shoes you have, Grandma!
ALL THE BETTER TO SQUASH YOUR ANXIETY WITH!
Despite the fact that MO D just told me I was really bad when I failed to answer some of her assessment questions post-call, which was humiliating because so many people were around us and, actually, in retrospect, I knew the answers to her questions in my head. Somehow I didn't vocalize them first/well enough. And she was right, they were pretty basic things.
But for an MO lots of things should be pretty basic things. That's why MOs can only become what they are after finishing HOship. Nevertheless, it is not excusable for me to not know things. I'm just... Really bad at being assessed. The panic energy is too much.
Anyway.
I know I'm slightly more capable because MOs can trust me when I say clinical findings, and history points. And so do some specialists. You can gauge how much they trust you by the way they react to your case presentation. Nodding, immediately giving their plans afterwards, and discussing cases with you are some positive points. But if they second-guess you and keep asking if you're sure, or keep reaffirming your facts with the patients, then you know you're not being trusted enough.
I've seen it happen. It has happened to me before, too. And some of your superiors just happen to be a bit more careful so they will always double-check, which is good. Therefore, don't take it too personally if you are being doubted. It's good that someone else will double-check your work, because at least you know the patient is receiving proper care.
I know I'm slightly more capable because the SNs will tell me things instead of other HOs, which is awesome and also slightly tiresome. Hey, I'm only human.
I know I'm slightly more capable because when given the choice, an MO would choose me to go with him instead of the other available HO. Which is annoying because I don't like being uprooted, but hey, it's an indirect praise. Also, job. Must do. Also when boss says do A, you better bet your arse you'll do A or get into trouble.
I know I'm slightly more capable because my more senior HOs would...
Oh wait.
My more senior HOs do not show trust in me.
Lesigh.
This department is a little bit bilirubin to the circulatory system that is my psyche.
It's starting to feel just a little bit on the unsafe side, the excessive side.
A little too... Toxic.
I'm too tired to study and too anxious to feel good about each coming day.
It's exhausting.
I'm getting back to the weight I had in my 3rd or 4th year of medical school.
Chances are I will lose more by the time the posting ends.
I'm starting to enjoy it, but the moment I get assessed and realize how much I STILL don't know, I get depressed again.
And it just goes to show, the toxic levels are mainly from me.
MO H asked me which uni I was from.
I told him.
He said I should be good, because all my seniors from that uni that he's seen were exceptionally good.
So he trusts me, he said.
I tittered nervously.
What BIIIG shoes you have, Grandma!
ALL THE BETTER TO SQUASH YOUR ANXIETY WITH!
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