Minefield, Field of Mine.

You would think that after being an MO, you would have more days to be free and thus type in your blog.

THINK AGAIN.

It's not the time that is the issue; rather, the fact that you are too scared to voice your opinion because somehow, with the so-called upgrade in your job title, comes even more fear of being reprimanded. You are even more accountable for what you say.

Hence the anonymity.

I have so many things to say that at times, I am almost bursting. It doesn't help that so many interesting issues are viral particularly in the healthcare sector. But, as always, I prefer to keep mum and let the more outspoken and confident people deal with what they would. Any word or action can and will be held against me at the most unexpected moments.

What a minefield, this field of mine.

*****

I have never pondered quitting so much as I do now.

During my housemanship this was not something I lingered on. I believe I do not have the option to quit, and that I should grit my teeth and bear any form of torture until I am free of this probationary period, when things would become better.

Little did I know things will never become better in this minefield. It just gets seemingly worse.

I am still getting my measly HO salary, but money's not the main issue.
My on-calls are almost always not worth the stress and hours.

You think the brunt of scolding ends at housemanship? Think again. It's not a pleasant experience being scolded, much less when you are being devalued for having less knowledge than a medical student- in front of your juniors and patients.

This is worse for MOs who are not serving within a department with its own boss- the jacks of all trades but masters of none. The KK and district and OPD MOs.

There is too much anxiety and second-guessing. It's getting worse by the day, and quitting seems to be my everyday mantra. It's weird because we are thought to be living relatively peaceful lives.

So guess who just found out that clinical life is not meant for her.
At least, not in this country.
Not in this very toxic environment.

I never thought I was stupid, particularly, but I'm rethinking that thought entirely.
I think too many of my brain cells died and created large dams of negativity held in by strong anxiety walls, surrounded by forests of fear. There is no path for the river of knowledge in my brain anymore.

Everything dead-ends.
Never have I been so unhappy.

Is this the real life?
(DON'T continue singing. Oops, you continued...)

I want to better myself by armoring myself with knowledge and experience but knowledge is a word that sounds too much like no-ledge and it is slipping off of me, repelled by me, and I am scared that I am not getting the blessing nor fruit from all this stress.

I do not know what to tell my parents. Their whole lives led up to this moment of seeing me as a doctor in the family. And now barely 3 years later I say I want to quit?

So, that's what I'm doing right now.
Grinning and bearing, until it gets more bearable, because people say it will.

What Irks

You know being an MO is not all that bad.

Says the MO who has never had to go to a mortality meeting.


And once again I am going to talk about how much I detest the bullying culture that is rife in our  healthcare system.

There I was, in a workplace that is mine but not really, and all the MOs think it's alright to shout every single order to their HOs.
One of the nicer ones even told me, 'It's fine. Use them as your outlet. I do it all the time.'

Um, what?

Of course one can't really go all 'Oh but that is very wrong!' and go on a diatribe on positive workplace environment when one is just briefly visiting, so all one can say is, 'Oh, I'm not really much of a screamer-type. I think.'


It makes me think of my hospital back as a HO, and I thought... Damn, that was a good place for HOs to be, all things considered. Even in one of the most well-known malignant departments throughout Malaysia, we had it good. Most of my MOs do not shout nor humiliate unnecessarily, and some became very good friends of mine.


It starts from the top, as always. If it is very important to the specialists and HOD especially that no bullying should occur, then bullying would be very rare indeed in such a department. If a person is allowed to berate and humiliate their juniors publicly in front of their boss without being reprimanded for doing so, then chances are such behaviour will continue and become the culture and norm.

Which is unacceptable, for me.

Yes, patients' lives are at stake. And you defend your actions by saying you only have the patients' best interests at heart and want your juniors to 'learn'.
Yet all you are teaching them is how it is okay to lose your cool and displace your frustration to those who can't speak up against you. And why is it even necessary to publicly humiliate a junior for the way he/she talks? It's not a life-threatening issue, is it?


I hear one say 'Oh I was nice when I first started. But these kids keep on making the same mistakes and month after month I became 'malignant','

May I just ask, Is it because month after month these HOs change, perhaps, to newer batches?

It's not like we've all never done a lot of the mistakes they did.
I am all for being upfront and scolding where it is due. But do not do so with impunity. Do so with care, and the full intention of correcting and helping, rather than just venting out your anger.

Yes, there will be days when our bosses i.e. specialists and super senior MOs (another race not to be trifled with) scold us, for what seems to be the HOs' faults in the first place.
They will scold us regardless, and talk behind our backs- just as we do behind theirs.
STILL does not make it okay to scold our juniors and nurses unnecessarily and especially publicly.

Instead, reflect on what happened. Maybe you needed that humbling kick in the butt to remind yourself of your place in this world.


I hope I won't evolve into a 'malignant' boss. God forbid.

Never Enough

It has been a long while.

It's funny, because I now have more time than I had the past 2 years as I have already finished my housemanship and am 'floating' in our ETD. In this department, floaters are not really accountable for much nor do they have the usual workload of a HO. Floaters work 8 to 5 with lunch breaks. And I have floated for over a month.

In other words, I have been very unimaginably lazy.

I also have gone for a rather lavish vacation overseas in some countries far colder than Malaysia, and I just have to say if it weren't for my parents I wouldn't have been able to afford even half the trip with what I earned the past two years unless I spent money the way I did as a student. Also, that half my heart is still where my vacation was. I am incomplete.

Speaking of incomplete.

I have received my new placement and I am glad to say, it is in Borneo.

GLAD?!

I am glad to say, I have not appealed to stay in Semenanjung.

But I did ask for a 2-week delay to report for duty, as I was informed quite late of my hospital (which will stay anonymous) and being quite the lone ranger, I need a lot of time to pack up my 2 years' worth of accumulated sentimental garbage.
And furniture.
Bet you ten sumpit-ed crocodiles they don't have IKEA where I'll be posted.

Which means I have to majorly save for my move back to Semenanjung if I were to move within 5 years, which is probably the case.

To those 2 of you who read my blog, thanks for following my rather truncated journey through HOship and here's an update:

I'm still alive.
HOship was the bomb.

Procedures, procedures

I have a 100% success rate with chest tube insertion and a 66% fail rate in intubation...

Of course, those involve really tiny sample sizes so they are very inaccurate.

I have the rest of my life to improve my sample sizes?

You wish the view was this nice all the time. Sauce

P.S.: Turning your failure rates into statistics may seem smart, but it's actually rather demotivating and may lead to sudden bouts of screaming out loud. So, sensitive junior doctors out there, don't do it.

The Road to MO-ship

Almost there. Sauce

Or should I say, 'well-beaten yet overgrown dirt path'?

I cannot find good resources on how people filled out the forms required for MO-ship.

Where I'm concerned, the process I'm currently undergoing (because I still have yet to receive my MMC number and would say I'm not really qualified to say anything of it) is rather easy so far. As I have documented earlier during my early HO days, my hospital's administration staff are highly helpful and efficient. I just ask and they will provide.

Just makes our jobs a lot easier; I can't begin to imagine how much of a headache the staff in charge of us feels, now that there are over 100 HOs in the hospital (I kid you not)! But she's always very pleasant and eager to help.

Anyways, once I have more details I will update this space.

For now, all I can say is:

1) Send your logbook from your 5th posting EARLY. Try at least 2 weeks before ending, so your admin staff's work is easier.

2) Prepare RM150 for the full registration fee (which could be reimbursed later LOL) and this will have to be done by wang pos, mostly.

3) Think (and pray) hard about what you want to do later and where.

4) Don't get hung up on a specific place/department to practice for now, unless you're married or have strong cables (yaknowwhat'msayin') OR have passed the first part of the paper, if applicable (i.e. MRCS, MRCP and the ilk).

5) Don't panic and freak out.
Which is exactly what I'm doing.

And perhaps,what I should be doing better,
6) PREPARE MONEY FOR THE UPCOMING UPROOTING TO UNCHARTED TERRITORY.
Movers and house rental deposits? Not cheap y'all, not cheap.

7) Get credit cards
Seriously, don't panic and freak out. Just keep revising man. It's all on you in a few months, man. All that responsibility and life-altering decisions.
All you.
So, you know, don't freak out or anything. It's chill.

The Curse of Time Awareness

When we were younger and carefree,

keyword here being 'carefree',

we are less aware of time.

We progress through our days as our parents and teachers dictate.

Wake up in the morning from our mothers' not-so-gentle calls.

Shower and brush our teeth because we are supposed to.

Go to school because that's what our parents tell us to do.

Attend classes as our teachers change, lesson by lesson.

Go out into the field and run because it's part of normal school activity.

Have fun with friends because we are supposed to.

For most of the Malays, school doesn't end in the afternoon.

"Sekolah Agama" beckons until later in the evening.

After that, come home and shower.

Then tuition, or Qur'an classes, until night time.

Then an hour or two to spare for homework, and maybe some TV, before we are forced into bed.

Weekends are largely dependent on how free our parents are (or how financially-constrained, but we rarely realize that until much later).

I don't know how different it is compared to the days of children now, but I rarely count my moments as a child, and well into my teens. I wasn't trying to deduce how many hours of me-time I have left. 

I left it all to the authorities, the 'rentals.

I was devoid of care. 

Entirely carefree.

Where time is concerned, all I want to do is grow up.

Now, every hour is calculated, every effort a pending reward.

I am too aware of the time I spend.

I couldn't recall, during my childhood, there being a time when I'm thinking, 'Aw man, only three hours before I have to sleep!' or 'What, only two days left to school holidays?!'

My days went by as planned by those older than me, and I willingly accepted whatever routine or non-routine activities mostly planned out for me.

I never questioned much of my time. Even in high school, when work began to pile on me and my many younger siblings meant that I have to dedicate most of my free time to helping around the house, I still barely thought about all the free time I'm missing.

Is it because, back then, I had close to nothing to do?

I didn't have free reign to the only PC in the house, nor do I play the old PS2 all that much. 

I didn't own a great deal of books. Most of my reading material were from the school library (and even then I wasn't as picky about what I read, I just devoured what books I could get voraciously).

My goal was to do medicine in a university in the UK, and for that I studied very frequently, mostly without prompting. The dream was only half-fulfilled- and I wouldn't have it any other way.

I often turned down invites to people's parties, and by my geeky nature, it was only a matter of time before invites trickled down to the closest of friends.

Let's not even get into the fact that I did not get into a relationship until I was in my twenties.

So, yeah. 

I didn't have much to do, and I wasn't aware of those times I might have missed out.

My parents didn't realize until way later, when my siblings have all grown up, that I was the easiest child they ever had to care for.

I despise how time-aware I have become.

Now, by the evening of my day off I'm already dreading the next working day; already thinking of worst scenarios to happen, already cursing myself for things I did not do in my free time. 

I spend nearly a quarter of my free time worrying about what's to happen during my working time.

It's a curse.

I have no idea how to get rid of it. How do I return to those days when I take each day as it is; without overt worrying, without putting undue stress on myself? Did I develop an anxiety disorder as I grew older, or is this simply the normal course of an ageing mind?

I am not a young adult anymore. 

I am a full-fledged adult. I can do everything; age restrictions don't apply to me, until such a time when I have to look forward to discounts for being in my 'golden years'.

Where I wanted to fast-forward time, now most of the time all I want to do is slow it down.

I need a Dr Who in my life.

Emergency Medicine

I'm loving this way more than I thought I would.

There are some seriously bad days, but 99.9% of the MOs are very nice (and even the 0.1% is nice in his/her own way).

NO AM ROUNDS WOOHOO!

Short attention span is fine.

Clerking is short.

ADRENALINE RUSH IS REAL.

YOU give the diagnosis.


I dunno man, it feels pretty real up here.

No ragrets.


Except, I do feel stupid a lot here haha!