The Curse of Time Awareness

When we were younger and carefree,

keyword here being 'carefree',

we are less aware of time.

We progress through our days as our parents and teachers dictate.

Wake up in the morning from our mothers' not-so-gentle calls.

Shower and brush our teeth because we are supposed to.

Go to school because that's what our parents tell us to do.

Attend classes as our teachers change, lesson by lesson.

Go out into the field and run because it's part of normal school activity.

Have fun with friends because we are supposed to.

For most of the Malays, school doesn't end in the afternoon.

"Sekolah Agama" beckons until later in the evening.

After that, come home and shower.

Then tuition, or Qur'an classes, until night time.

Then an hour or two to spare for homework, and maybe some TV, before we are forced into bed.

Weekends are largely dependent on how free our parents are (or how financially-constrained, but we rarely realize that until much later).

I don't know how different it is compared to the days of children now, but I rarely count my moments as a child, and well into my teens. I wasn't trying to deduce how many hours of me-time I have left. 

I left it all to the authorities, the 'rentals.

I was devoid of care. 

Entirely carefree.

Where time is concerned, all I want to do is grow up.

Now, every hour is calculated, every effort a pending reward.

I am too aware of the time I spend.

I couldn't recall, during my childhood, there being a time when I'm thinking, 'Aw man, only three hours before I have to sleep!' or 'What, only two days left to school holidays?!'

My days went by as planned by those older than me, and I willingly accepted whatever routine or non-routine activities mostly planned out for me.

I never questioned much of my time. Even in high school, when work began to pile on me and my many younger siblings meant that I have to dedicate most of my free time to helping around the house, I still barely thought about all the free time I'm missing.

Is it because, back then, I had close to nothing to do?

I didn't have free reign to the only PC in the house, nor do I play the old PS2 all that much. 

I didn't own a great deal of books. Most of my reading material were from the school library (and even then I wasn't as picky about what I read, I just devoured what books I could get voraciously).

My goal was to do medicine in a university in the UK, and for that I studied very frequently, mostly without prompting. The dream was only half-fulfilled- and I wouldn't have it any other way.

I often turned down invites to people's parties, and by my geeky nature, it was only a matter of time before invites trickled down to the closest of friends.

Let's not even get into the fact that I did not get into a relationship until I was in my twenties.

So, yeah. 

I didn't have much to do, and I wasn't aware of those times I might have missed out.

My parents didn't realize until way later, when my siblings have all grown up, that I was the easiest child they ever had to care for.

I despise how time-aware I have become.

Now, by the evening of my day off I'm already dreading the next working day; already thinking of worst scenarios to happen, already cursing myself for things I did not do in my free time. 

I spend nearly a quarter of my free time worrying about what's to happen during my working time.

It's a curse.

I have no idea how to get rid of it. How do I return to those days when I take each day as it is; without overt worrying, without putting undue stress on myself? Did I develop an anxiety disorder as I grew older, or is this simply the normal course of an ageing mind?

I am not a young adult anymore. 

I am a full-fledged adult. I can do everything; age restrictions don't apply to me, until such a time when I have to look forward to discounts for being in my 'golden years'.

Where I wanted to fast-forward time, now most of the time all I want to do is slow it down.

I need a Dr Who in my life.