Bittersweet Symphony

After a typical day at work, I usually get home, try to sleep, and instead hear the incessant noises of the hospital ringing in my ears.

Beeping monitors.
Faint calls from nurses.
The dreaded phone ringing away.

Sometimes, at the edge of wakefulness, I could smell the hospital again- the latex, blood, alcohol and other bodily fluids I might have encountered that day.

I never really leave the hospital behind, even on my off days. The hospital follows me around, tracing my every step, hounding me like some stalker with whom I have a love-hate relationship.

It's difficult to fathom how I feel for this posting.

But it's pretty darn amazing sometimes.
And pretty bloody ridiculous at other times.

It's a bittersweet experience, but there is always something to be grateful for.

Note to Self: Control Your Emotions!

"Dr, kenapa Dr tagging lagi? Dr dah pandai dah..."

Hehehe.
Occasional nice comments make my day.
You'd be surprised at how the smallest things can make your day when you feel downtrodden, and hold the lowest of the low rank in the food chain of the hospital (or at least department).


Because most of the time, comments are more like,

"Dr, takkan itu pun nak tanya saya?"

"Dr, tengok sendiri boleh tak?"

"Dr, bila nak buat *insert procedure here*?"
And all in very irritating tones.

And let's not get started on the snide remarks and outright humiliation one could get from one's bosses.

They- meaning *some* of these beloved human beings- can't see me sit and relax. They'll always ask me to do something.
Never mind that I've been working hours and hours longer than them. Never mind that they had time to take breakfast or lunch, and I didn't because my work started before either meal times and didn't stop.

But to take it personally is a waste, because had they given up on me entirely, they wouldn't call me to do anything at all. When you're so dysfunctional/lazy they give up on you, and even forget that you're working in the ward- or just ignore you altogether because they know you're too slow or tend to avoid doing things. So the fact that they keep asking you to do anything means they think you're capable of carrying it out.

Expect that they will scold you when you ask them how to perform something that, to them, seems basic. Some of them are just impatient- they'll come around when you prove that you are more capable. Or they won't, who cares- you're a HO and hopefully you won't be stuck with them for more than 4 months!


Today, I got so bloody pissed at a lot of things and it barely took all my effort to keep myself from outright shouting (I kind of snapped a little and my face might have shown it).

Then I got sad.

And then I got grateful & happy (it might have to do with the fact that I got to eat hehe).

This posting is turning me into a moody monster. It's awful. I pray I improve in terms of controlling my emotions. Pray for me.


Even the best and most patient of people have a breaking point. I've been very lucky because despite the meanness I have experienced, I could still find many kind, fun, and uplifting moments. But that doesn't mean that in that very dreary moment I could still feel unfiltered joy. It takes a lot of effort to think of life beyond that precise moment of horror.

You may think I'm writing for your sake.
Sometimes I think that too.
But I started this blog to remind myself of my moments in working life, and that means my personal good AND bad moments. I'm only human, and I'm far from perfect. I have ugly moments too. To whitewash them would be the opposite of my goal with this blog.

So forget about appearing like an exemplary HO.
This is the story of a normal HO, struggling with stupidly common HO issues like being bullied by SNs and bosses, and trying to be more competent in procedures that are easy theoretically, but actually really hard the first few times.

You may expect more blunder posts later, I think.
The best way to learn is to learn from others' mistakes and avoid them. I shall be your anonymous scapegoat when I can.
And I also get to remember how awkward I was, later in life!

~

Yours Truly.

I am the roach

You will approach

To give complaints

And ease your pains

But you forget

The moment we met;

I have feelings, too

Just like you.

I don't just poke

Because I can.

When you get stroke-

CT Scan.

I order them all

My bosses will call

Cause when I forget

They'll make me regret.

You lie on your bed

All covered in sweat

And call me nurse

But that's not the worst;

The moment I approach,

A tired, hungry roach,

You shoo me away

And make me pay.

My bosses yell

Roach, you're so slow!

Am I in hell?

I cannot tell.

When will I get

A morsel to eat?

You lie on your bed

"Roach, put up my feet".

I'm not your servant

Though I am the government's...

I guess that makes me

Your servant, honorary.

Yours Truly.

17 July 2016

You can't spell 'MOODY' without 'MO'*

Day 9 of tagging (8 if you deduct the day off I took) and my MO was already asking me how long I should tag for.

I got scolded by that same MO for informing him of things and not looking at the patient first.
Too used to my previous posting modus operandi, I suppose. Also my previous posting MOs.

Like, he actually swore at me and snatched the BHT and observation charts before stalking off to see the patient while I stood there for a few moments, blinking my confusion (and guilt). Then I followed him and had to endure him telling me how incapable I was and that I was a Dr., not an informer, and that I should be able to clinically judge the patient, yadda yadda yadda (believe me I took everything to heart but I can't tell you everything. I don't dismiss my bosses' complaints to me no matter how hurtful they are).

Half an hour later and throughout the rest of the day he was very playful with me.
You can't spell "moody" without "MO", eh? Eh?

**********

I have been targeted by several MOs for various reasons that used to not make sense to me.
Like, the way I talk.
Or the silly mistakes I did.

The more playful some MOs are with you, the more likely other MOs are to dislike you (or target you, whichever way you see it). It's something this department is famous for. It's weird, after being in such a different environment in my other posting.

But after being in this posting for such a brief period, I can sort of understand where they get all their stress and anger from sometimes. It's such a demanding posting, and you have to be meticulous yet quick and efficient; have compassion and yet still have the emotional range of a robot when it comes to carrying out certain stuff. How does one find the balance in all that? No wonder they're all moody as anything.

Of course, being the planktons in the food chain of the department, HOs are the main source of consumption.

Lesigh.

**********

Joy in the little things.

Like when one of my patients accidentally called me 'Misi', but continued on with 'Misi, misi maanyak cantik'. Tiredness = Evaporated. I mean, she might have an eyesight problem (she does, to be fair) but my heart flowered and burst into many colourful, fragrant pieces that shattered the dreariness of the day in one single, brief moment.

Then the patient next to her had to comment that she has been saying it since earlier that evening, but she might have been mistaking me for a ghost. That was a total downer zzz.

Or when one of my MOs showed his amazement at my ability to clerk a patient, and include relevant scoring systems pertaining to her condition. Sadly, he was comparing me to another person who was also in my batch, also the same number of postings- and stating how we were so different in working quality. I actually knew there were other factors (I had ages to clerk the case as my MO was busy doing other stuff, and the other person had so little time)... And how I still relished the comparison that I was better than someone.

It's an entirely disgusting, human thing to feel. Most of us do not want to admit that being told we are better than others is actually cathartic. Unfortunately, that is the truth.

Being able to take a patient's ABG.

Having the patient who was previously dreading my approach, actually smile at me each time I review her and being more willing to let me take her blood and insert IV lines for her.

Having patients and relatives thank me for the smallest of things.

Of course, there are many other bad things that happened to me, but why would I waste my precious energy memorializing them? Heh heh.

 **********

When the going gets tough, the tough gets going.
I make sure I have other things to think about.

Life outside the walls of the ward.

Days away from the hospital.

Not to mention the satisfaction of well carried-out plans.

The Grand Scheme of Things, in which these 4 months are but a blip in the existence of my life.

So many things to look forward to, that it is stupid to stay stagnant in a pool of fear over what a single MO has done to me. Or several.

**********

And you will need to vent.

You will need an outlet.

It just so happens, one of my best outlets is this blog.


I know I'm improving, and I will prove that I'm not the non-functional tagger I was on my first day here!
Eh. I sound so confident here.
No lah.


* - Disclaimer: I love my MOs. Just like they love me. Haha.

How's Work?

"How's work?" my lecturer queried on Facebook chat.

"It's great, Prof :)" I replied, tears streaming down my face.

That's the thing about social media- it allows us to be polite and act like everything is amazing when in reality, it's not.

**********

It took me 5 days to get to this phase.

I thought it was going to be shorter, so well done, me.
Finally crying. Finally met the malignant one (and it wasn't who I thought); still have more malignant ones to meet. So many MOs in this department.

But for each malignant MO, there will be three or more really decent ones. And so far all my specialists are amazing; so who am I to complain?

Although it doesn't erase the hurt from the shame and guilt that comes with getting scolded, it's a good reminder to always think that there is life beyond this department, beyond the walls of these wards with their negativity. I am worth more than this silly little mistake.

But crying is good, I suppose. It's a release.

First Day in General Medical Wards...

And I haven't cried yet!

I managed to drink!
And even eat! (A single cup Maggi for the entirety of the day, and even that after 6 pm, but still).

I ONLY CLERKED ONE CASE!
Surprisingly I still felt like I barely had time to relax.

I mean, it's hard to define the busy status of the ward and your efficiency from things like cases clerked- or any single parameter, really- because you always have to run around attending STAT calls, taking blood, reviewing dengue and investigation results and other patients that need reviewing, and you know... Take it all in. Basically your work is multifaceted.

But I was still pretty damn slow.

Most of my time was wasted on doing simple tasks for very long durations due to my ineptitude secondary to my newbness, also due to my repeated second-guessing secondary to lack of confidence secondary to lack of knowledge. Secondary to newbness.

Heheh.

I took almost 2 hours clerking a single patient from start to the moment I signed off my entry!! Three, if you count the moment when I finally had the guts to call my MO to review him (!!!). In my defense, the patient was very jovial and liked to talk, and I can't find it in me (yet) to cut him off.

It's great that God gave me a nice MO on-call, a kind MO post-call, and a gentle specialist on-call on my first day here. Also some seniors from my previous posting; ones I was actually rather close to. It's easier to transition in.

WAIT UNTIL TOMORROW WHEN THE FAMED STRICT SCOLD-EY SPECIALIST GOES FOR ROUNDS.

Please be strong, please be strong, please be strong and knowledgeable, self...

Selamat Hari Raya! Eid Mubarak!

Though I couldn't really celebrate it, I had some great (albeit brief) moments with most of my family.

I had to leave early this morning to ensure I'm fresh for my new beginning in a new (and rather ominous) department.

I am really anxious, but at the same time excited.
I'm hoping to pull through without any major issues. The first few weeks will be awful, as all first few weeks (or days) in new departments are.

Pray for my perseverance, dedication and passion!

And may God bless you all with His blessings :)