No lah I'm not going to write about some vague friend here.
I'm writing about myself.
I have caught myself, time and again, 'counting work' - literal translation from the Malay saying berkira kerja. Or berkira tulang urat- counting bones & veins. Hey, that may be more relevant now.
I entered the posting with several other people.
And I found myself to be the pioneer among them.
First to get more patients to review.
First to get more acute patients.
First to present cases in the morning passover.
First to... well you get the drift.
I started bemoaning my tragic life:
Why am I the chosen one? Why do I have more patients to review than them, they are also taggers? Why do I have to go into the OT with the known malignant MO EACH time he covers EM OT? Why do I have to present two times in a row? Why me, why me, why me?
You see, hearing about this likely made you a little (or a lot) uneasy around me.
But that's the reality- I am far from perfect.
I forget so often that nowadays I have much less patients to review and the workload is so much more manageable. Although there are definitely other added stressors in this posting, I can definitely say this is a posting with minimal workload compared to my two previous postings.
I easily forget that I still have a stable job and am able to live on my own, rather comfortably, while others may be suffering from unemployment, and also countless other real tragedies.
How selfish of me to bemoan a difficult relative, or the fact that yet another patient got into an accident, and yet many others still have to be referred to my department due to whatever reason, even if they were direct results of their own mistakes.
...
I wanted this job.
No one put a gun on my temple and threatened to pull the trigger unless I took up this vocation.
I recall multiple attempts to persuade other people that I am worthy of this course. Letters, essays, interviews...
Oh God.
Why am I so weak when tested?
Yes, I am human, but I am capable of much more than this.
My lips are too fast, my temper too easily roused.
Sometimes in my head I think "Why must this patient be assigned to me? Such a difficult patient, to present to such a difficult boss..."
And almost in that same second, I rescind my thoughts. Forgive me, my patient. Forgive me, God. Forgive me, my past teachers and lecturers and colleagues- my selfishness has overstepped boundaries! Even if I don't vocalize most of my thoughts, their toxic energy permeates my psyche and results in actions that are less than pleasant. At its simplest, a distasteful expression. At its most complex, hurtful words.
It's so easy to snap at a colleague when I can feel the boss getting mad at me over the phone- "Get me the BHT for Bed 01 STAT" I would say- nay, snap- to the newer poster who was a little overwhelmed and could not answer my question.
I catch myself almost immediately and try to smile and lighten my tone, thinking that no matter how I act if my boss is already mad, his temper is hardly going to improve... But by then the damage has been done.
So easily do we hurt others while we try to proclaim that we care, that we're in this profession for noble intentions.
While we try to act our best and smile to our patients, do we extend the same gesture to our colleagues; our supporting staff; our bosses? Never mind that they're not doing the same to us.
I'm not even at my counting work topic yet, not fully.
...
"Eh AA look lah, why must I do this twice? BB hasn't even done it once! And look I got a difficult topic some more! Why is this distribution so unfair?"
Never mind that BB is a first poster who takes more time to learn the ropes compared to his fellow batchmate, CC. CC is more proactive and learns quickly, volunteering to do work where BB prefers to hide in the shadows. But do I understand BB's motives? Do I help him more than I talk about him?
Sadly, no.
A new case comes in.
I just did a procedure, and prior to that I already clerked the last case that came in.
I looked at BB, whose gaze shifted around uneasily.
"You go clerk that new case," I said. More a command than a request.
He needed the experience anyway, I reasoned to myself.
My senior already left to do an emergency operation- 'No doubt to avoid the wardwork and just chill with a rather cool MO', I thought bitterly. This senior also gave me OT time with a more malignant MO, repeatedly, while he/she goes into OT with cooler MOs without even asking any of us if we wanted more OT experience, being new and all.
Astaghfirullah.
What devious thoughts.
So easily does the mind come to conclusions that are less savoury.
I got up and went to BB.
"Okay tak?" I asked.
He nodded, and went to clerk the patient.
Full of trepidation, no doubt, but rising to the occasion- because his senior told him to. Perhaps he realized that there was no other option.
I could have been nicer.
I could have offered to clerk the case right as I returned from doing the procedure in another ward, and offered for him to stand by and watch- but this wasn't going to help him in the long run.
In conclusion, I could have been nicer. Could have had more noble intentions. But as I commanded him to clerk the case, all I was thinking about was how tired I felt.
And I shouldn't be, because come on, what did I do the entire day?
*slaps self*
This is just one simple example of berkira tulang urat.
It happens to most of us.
Some of us are just more noble, more patient, and thus more pleasant.
...
I've been told in older postings that I was a hardworker.
A good senior.
Sometimes I scoff at those remarks.
I also get snagged by selfishness and impatience.
It's just... I try to make up for it later.
I seek forgiveness from God.
Try to be more patient with those around me.
Try to be more mindful of what I say to people, even if those people agree with my complaints.
If my toxic environment affects me, my toxicity added to the environment will not improve anything in any way.
So,
I have to be more mindful.
Actively try to quash any negative thoughts- no matter how numerous. Counter them with good memories and vibes, with humility. Repeatedly tell myself why I wanted this job so much. That I can, and I will, make a difference in this system. That I will be better than my toxic bosses. That I will not treat my juniors the same.
And for that to happen, I have to start now- with my colleagues, with my patients.
If I could be impatient to a colleague who's my junior only by a few months, what's to say I won't be a malignant MO to my HOs in the future- who are my juniors by years?
If one case makes so much of a workload difference, what's to stop me from being an utter devil when people refer cases to me in the future non-stop, just because it's one of those 'J' days?
I will break the negative cycle within me before I could break the negative cycle outside.
I have to stop thinking about what I want, and more of what I need.
Patience. Resilience.
More (even more!) humility.
Knowledge- no matter how tired I may be, I can always squeeze in some quick facts. ALWAYS.
Because my patients entrusted themselves to me.
Entrusted their most embarrassing histories, body parts, habits, to me.
So I can make them feel better.
So I can heal them.
And more often than not, I spit in their faces by being lazy and impatient.
Assuming stuff about the more difficult ones.
Wishing they never came during my shift, to my hospital.
The nerve of me.
Do I know how difficult I can be if I were the one in their shoes?
I don't.
So why do I judge them so easily?
What is one more presentation, when I can learn from it?
What is one more patient, when I have the opportunity to make more people happy?
What is a kind word, when it can change the mood for an entire day?
Everybody needs to be reminded at some point.
I'm almost halfway there.
Right now is a good time for a reminder.
I'm sorry for disappointing you with this.
Perhaps later, more positive stories! :)
